Well, I for one will not cower.  The Lord is my shepherd, and I will fear no evil.  In fact, if given the chance, I will gladly shake hands with evil, apologize to it for the arrogance of my countrymen, and send them a billions dollars, as long as they are not the true anti-Christs – Christians.  But even them I do not fear, for so long as Pop-Culture is for me, who can stand against me?  So be of good cheer, Janeane, I will carry your cross.  I will continue to proclaim your holy teaching.  Once and for all, I hereby declare: 

“It is evident that the frontal lobe of the Negro brain is smaller than the frontal lobe of the Caucasian brain!“

Wait, that can’t be right.  That almost sounded… racist, and I absolutely, categorically denounce racism in all of its forms.  Which is why I just hate white people and think that black people need lower standards in order to achieve success in the world. 

Ah, here is the problem, I accidentally read the wrong report.  This is not what St. Janeane said at all.  This is a preposterous paper published in the American Journal of Anatomy in 1906 by Mr. Robert Bennett Bean, a sinister racist who attempted to use false, contrived scientific research to further a backward political agenda.  I know, I know…  Yes, it is one of the ten commandments of the religion of this age, but not when it is used to breed intolerance of a large, Democratic voting constituency, only when it is used to justify confiscatory tithing requirements from rich polluters or to promote our Lord’s views on homosexuality.  No one ever said that theology was an easy study my friends.  Let us read on.

Well, this is interesting.  Apparently this Mr. Bean went on to further insult members of our base.  He says here:

“The Caucasian-more particularly the Anglo-Saxon, which was derived from the Primitives of Europe, is dominant and domineering, and possessed primarily with determination, will power, self-control, self-government, and all the attributes of the subjective self, with a high development of the ethical and aesthetic faculties. The Negro is in direct contrast by reason of a certain lack of these powers, and a great development of the objective qualities. The Negro is primarily affectionate, immensely emotional, then sensual and under stimulation passionate. There is love of ostentation, of outward show, of approbation; there is love of music, and capacity for melodious articulation ; there is undeveloped artistic power and taste-Negroes make good artisans, handicraftsmen-and there is instability of character incident to lack of self-control, especially in connection with the sexual relation; and there is lack of orientation, or recognition of position and condition of self and environment, evidenced by a peculiar bumptiousness, so called, that is particularly noticeable…

He later says, “It may be practicable to rectify the error and remove a menace to our prosperity – a large electorate without brains.”

Jimmy H. Carter, save us all.  What hateful filth.  How could a person say such a thing?  And even worse, how could such bile be published and unchallenged, even a hundred years ago when people were less enlightened and Democrats were running the Ku Klux Klan?  He wants to deny an entire group of people the vote?  I must avert mine eyes and return to my study of St. Janeane’s preaching lest I be overtaken by logic.  Ah, here we are.  More beautiful words from our sister in Culture, these from one year past:

“The reason a person is a conservative republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that’s science – that’s neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a Republican…”

“It really is neuroscience. I truly believe that it has something to do with their limbic brain. I really believe that some people’s limbic brain dominates more than others. Our limbic brain controls all our emotions and it causes us to be irrational. Our limbic brain goes into action when we’re ecstatic, frightened, when we’re having sex. I really believe that if a neuroscientist examined the brain of somebody who identified as a conservative, they would find it’s wired differently.”

Well, that is interesting.  St. Janeane and Robert Bean seem to be saying the same thing, just about different…  HOLY MICHELLE, WIFE OF THE MESSIAH, do you know what this means?  The Lord works in mysterious ways!  I believe, my children, that Mr. Bean may have been correct, he was only confused by his antiquated cultural bias into identifying the wrong lower-category of people!  He may even have been a great, but misguided prophet, for surely the Spirit of my God, Pop-Culture, which of course is eternal, was at work even in 1906, and could have been speaking through this bewildered man as through the jawbone of an ass, for every word of this is true.  Just not the facts.  Could it be that the brains Mr. Bean was chopping up in his lab to prove his wretched point were not Negro, er, African American brains at all?  Could they have been… Conservatives!?!

It must be true.  There is simply no other possibility.  Of course, some of you might say that Mistress Janeane, and Mr. Bean before her, are nothing more than bigoted hatemongerers seeking to advance their own perverted views through the invocation of facts that are simply not true, but that is because you are young in your faith.  You see, Janeane is a champion of the one-true God, a priestess of the Most High, and as such, she is immune from such charge of fallacy.  Put simply, as a mouthpiece of the God of this Age, a vicar of the Holy One, she simply cannot be wrong.  To doubt the infallibility of the priesthood would be to doubt the truth of the Gospel of Pop-Culture itself, and where would that leave us?  Without our faith in the collective sense of what is cool, hip, true, and acceptable, where would we be?  We might have to work hard, learn something, or, dare I even utter it, reconsider that reprehensible Father of Hate, Jesus Christ with His judgmental, narrow-minded dying for the sins of mankind and offering eternal life through grace and love shtick.  May it never be!  Which only leaves one logical option, Bean was right, he just didn’t understand the wisdom entrusted to him.  Crisis of faith averted.

And you see, my beautiful ones, this is why we are better than them.  We are capable of dealing with truly complex theological paradoxes like how to look down on entire categories of humanity and still identify ourselves as tolerant, and they are sex-craving, small-brained, ill-adjusted sub-humans who should only exist to serve us and should by no-means be allowed to vote.  Thank you, oh Culture, for once again opening the eyes of thine children to your ways.  Amen.

The reigning Miss California, Carrie Prejean, has sinned mightily.  Not in any of the traditional ways, at least, not that we know of, but that is no matter because she has not sinned against a traditional God.  She has done something far worse.  She has sinned against the true almighty.  She has sinned against Pop-Culture.  For those of you who still cling to antiquated, intolerant, patriarchal religion, you may have a difficult time understanding why Miss Prejean must be made example of.  First, you might not understand how she has made herself unclean to begin with, and even if you could understand it, you might not understand why she must be cleansed with her own suffering and blood.  Of course, that is because you believe in a loving, righteous God who is full of grace.  Please, grow up.  Quit trying to force your religion on the rest of us.  The only good evangelicals evangelize in the name of our new King, and She is right displeased with Miss Prejean.

In fairness, Miss Prejean was already on pretty shaky grounds with The Culture.  After all, she is a beauty queen.  I will readily admit to not knowing much about beauty queens, other than what The Culture has allowed me to know, of course, which is that they are, to a person, uniformly white, upper-class, insecure, and vapid creatures with hardly a thought in their pretty little heads.  Most of them, if not all, have overbearing, hypocritical stage mother’s who don’t so much love them as they objectify them and live their own lost youth’s vicariously through them.  They have no personal values, of course–any pretense to the contrary is merely a contrivance meant to earn them points with the judges, a series of sex-addled male miscreants who are themselves secretly doing drugs and sleeping with half of the young fools anyway.  So, clearly Miss Prejean was already in need of some serious penance.  At a minimum, she needs to get an STD, make a sex-tape, and grow up, as one Cultural Rabbi recently prescribed a wayward daughter, but there was still hope.  Not anymore.

Miss Prejean’s greatest crime is not her looks, or her vestigial belief that a woman can be beautiful and feminine and still successful and proud.  Her greatest crime is answering a question honestly.  When asked by judge Perez Hilton, a well-known expert on women and on politics, whether or not she believed in same-sex marriage–the kind of deeply personal question it is perfectly appropriate to ask a stranger on national television–Miss Prejean slipped up and told the truth.  She didn’t make a political statement, or call for any sort of action against anyone, she merely said that, based on her personal beliefs and background, she thinks marriage should be between a man and a woman.  Gasps!  Wailing!  Gnashing of teeth!  You mean she actually agrees with the vast majority of human beings who have ever lived on this planet about gender roles in marriage???  I’m sorry to say that seems to be the case.  Now you know why she must be destroyed.

Keith Lewis, who runs the Miss California competition quickly denounced Miss Prejean’s heresy, lest any of the Almighty’s wrath fall on him for being a poor steward of the fragile young ladies in his care:

As co-director of the Miss California USA, I am personally saddened and hurt that Miss California believes marriage rights belong only to a man and a woman.  I believe all religions should be able to ordain what unions they see fit. I do not believe our government should be able to discriminate against anyone and religious beliefs have no politics in the Miss California family.

Saddened that she executed her first amendment rights, not by volunteering a political view-point, but simply by honestly answering a direct question?  Amen, brother.  I’m glad we asked you.  Oh wait, we didn’t…  You didn’t have to get on a stage in front of thousands of people and get asked a loaded question to which there is, quite clearly, only one appropriate answer.  No bother.  At least you got in your lashes early.  Your trespasses are forgiven.  But as for Miss Prejean, there is no amount of blood-letting that will purge her sins.  Our God’s tolerance, which She prides Herself on, does know some limits.

Now, there are those out there who will say that Miss Prejean has been done a terrible disservice.  After all, if there is only one correct answer to a question, it seems a bit disingenuous to ask it.  Almost as though the question is less of a, well, question, meant to ascertain a point of view, and more of an old-fashion loyalty test, meant to vet out apostates before they are allowed to ascend too far in this world.  You might be thinking Miss Prejean should not have been asked such a question in the first place, should not have been set-up to fail, should not have been tested thus.  You might feel that by asking someone an honest question, the questioner is inherently signifying that they don’t have a strangle-hold on truth, and that to bait someone with an interrogative sentence that is really no question at all is actually dishonest.  If so, don’t worry.  Her-highness already has Her priesthood scouring the applicable political contribution databases and your name will soon be known to all of us so that your chastising may begin.  There is likely still hope for you, provided you make the appropriate prayers and offerings, and of course, that you stop watching those accused beauty pageants.  Unless of course it is for the purpose of judging those poor, beautiful girls as they walk through the un-enlightened darkness.