Reverend Woody Hol grew up just like you, but then he got better thanks to the life-changing power of his Lord, Savior, and Benefactor, the God of this age, Pop-Culture. Now, he walks the earth in service to the Almighty, helping to shine the light on rednecks, ruffians, and sinners in the hopes that they might one day be as good as he.
Reverend Woody Hol
Cultural Apologetics: St. Garofalo On the Peculiarities of the Brains of Republicans
by Reverend Woody HolI grow fearful, brothers and sisters (and assorted ‘others’ whose rights I hold in highest regard). I grow fearful of the barbarian, ever at our door, who seeks to taint our holy anointing with his heresy and heathenism. I worry that if we are not diligent, our beloved Goddess, the Almighty Pop-Culture Herself, will abandon us to the wolves who even now grow bold at our doorsteps. I am currently reading a troubling report. This very week, our beloved priestess. Janeane Garofalo, patron saint of people who used to be funny, was viciously attacked by the enemy for simply exercising her fundamental right to religious expression and instructing another blessed saint in the sacred truth. And this at the holy Countdown Cathedral! Have they no shame?
Well, I for one will not cower. The Lord is my shepherd, and I will fear no evil. In fact, if given the chance, I will gladly shake hands with evil, apologize to it for the arrogance of my countrymen, and send them a billions dollars, as long as they are not the true anti-Christs – Christians. But even them I do not fear, for so long as Pop-Culture is for me, who can stand against me? So be of good cheer, Janeane, I will carry your cross. I will continue to proclaim your holy teaching. Once and for all, I hereby declare:
“It is evident that the frontal lobe of the Negro brain is smaller than the frontal lobe of the Caucasian brain!” (more…)
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Cultural Apologetics: A Holy Chastising
by Reverend Woody HolThe God of this age has declared someone un-holy. Take up your stones and follow me.
The reigning Miss California, Carrie Prejean, has sinned mightily. Not in any of the traditional ways, at least, not that we know of, but that is no matter because she has not sinned against a traditional God. She has done something far worse. She has sinned against the true almighty. She has sinned against Pop-Culture. For those of you who still cling to antiquated, intolerant, patriarchal religion, you may have a difficult time understanding why Miss Prejean must be made example of. First, you might not understand how she has made herself unclean to begin with, and even if you could understand it, you might not understand why she must be cleansed with her own suffering and blood. Of course, that is because you believe in a loving, righteous God who is full of grace. Please, grow up. Quit trying to force your religion on the rest of us. The only good evangelicals evangelize in the name of our new King, and She is right displeased with Miss Prejean.
In fairness, Miss Prejean was already on pretty shaky grounds with The Culture. After all, she is a beauty queen. I will readily admit to not knowing much about beauty queens, other than what The Culture has allowed me to know, of course, which is that they are, to a person, uniformly white, upper-class, insecure, and vapid creatures with hardly a thought in their pretty little heads. Most of them, if not all, have overbearing, hypocritical stage mother’s who don’t so much love them as they objectify them and live their own lost youth’s vicariously through them. They have no personal values, of course–any pretense to the contrary is merely a contrivance meant to earn them points with the judges, a series of sex-addled male miscreants who are themselves secretly doing drugs and sleeping with half of the young fools anyway. So, clearly Miss Prejean was already in need of some serious penance. At a minimum, she needs to get an STD, make a sex-tape, and grow up, as one Cultural Rabbi recently prescribed a wayward daughter, but there was still hope. Not anymore. (more…)
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