With its 12 Oscar nominations, its stellar cast, and its glowing reviews, The King’s Speech sounded like a movie that would leave me…well, speechless.

But when it comes to stuttering Englishmen I was, frankly, more moved by Roger Daltrey’s performance of the song “My Generation.” My main problem with The King’s Speech is that the character we’re supposed to identify with, the down-trodden-schmuck-who-can’t-catch-a-break-but-we-root-for-him–anyway-because-for-all-his-faults-he’s-got-a-heart-of-gold just happens to be…THE KING OF ENGLAND! That’s right: in order to enjoy this film I’m supposed to feel sympathy for a man who, almost by definition, is an unsympathetic character. Like a Frank Capra film about the riches-to-mega-riches life of Donald Trump, this movie simply doesn’t make any sense to me despite fine performances by Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, and Helena Bonham Carter.

I had the same problem with The Queen, which, you’ll recall, was about the trials and tribulations of a woman– oh, let’s call her THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND!—whose big life crisis was being criticized for not grieving enough after the death of Princess Diana. Well, ain’t life a bitch? I’ll bet you after those nasty British tabloids had their say about her Queen Elizabeth cried all the way home to her…ENORMOUS CASTLE. This is royalty we’re talking about, folks. The royal family’s various homes are worth well over a billion dollars– yes, even in today’s housing market. The personal net worth of Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles, et al are in the hundreds of millions of pounds, each—by the way, each pound coin being distinctive in that IT HAS A PICTURE OF QUEEN ELIZABETH ON IT. When you’re a royal the “family jewels” is not a crude reference to anyone’s anatomy– they’re actual jewels. Call me heartless, but I just can’t feel sorry for anyone who has their own moat.

My antipathy towards the royalty genre in movies goes beyond the absurdity of being asked to identify with bejeweled billionaires seated on solid gold chairs. I frankly find it appalling, in this progressive, politically correct, anti-Establishment age, that supposedly civilized people like us continue to tolerate, and even celebrate, royalty. Slavery, as we’re reminded by the mainstream media on almost a daily basis, was a terrible, evil institution. So was Nazism. So was, and is, communism. So, I would argue, was disco. But you know what was a really, really bad institution? Royalty, the notion that God considered some men more valuable than others, that one’s class is an unchangeable accident of birth, and that the lower class should be, in effect, the slaves and property of the nobility. Does anybody not grasp the evil of this? Who could not be enraged by the fact that by law one man should bow down before another simply because the two men’s ancestries were different– and that refusing to do so could cost the commoner his life? (more…)

Earlier this week an essay appeared on the Huffington Post which accused Heritage Action of plagiarism with regards to some Internet spots they are currently running starring Clint Howard.  As the writer for the Heritage Action ads in question, let me address the charge of plagiarism directly.  First of all, I can give you my word of honor as a gentleman* that until yesterday morning I had never seen or even heard of the SEIU ads I am accused of plagiarizing.  I have heard of Lee Camp, as I peruse the Huffington Post regularly for joke premises, and I have even sampled a couple of Mr. Camp’s alleged comedy offerings.  Not being a fan of his work, however, there would be no reason for me to seek out additional examples of it.  I would be more than happy to undergo a polygraph examination to corroborate my claims of innocence on the condition that Mr. Camp undergo a polygraph test to corroborate his claims of being a comedy writer which I have been unable to document elsewhere. 

—–

Moreover, even if I had seen the SEIU ads, Mr. Camp’s claim that I plagiarized his work is preposterous.  As any legitimate comedy writer knows–  no, as anyone who owns and operates a television set knows–  the boardroom “pitch meeting” featuring an ill-tempered, out-of-touch boss surrounded by yes-men and women alternately sucking up to him and pitching lame ideas, is one of advertising’s most durable, time-honored scenarios.  [For a lengthier discussion of this phenomenon, go here.] It is the joke-teller’s equivalent of “a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar”**; the screenwriter’s equivalent of “boy meets girl”***.  Saying I plagiarized his work is like saying that E.R. plagiarized St. Elsewhere because they were both shows about hospitals.  

After acknowledging that not a single word of his deathless prose was actually lifted from the SEIU ad (the usual definition of plagiarism), Mr. Camp claims that I copied the “mannerisms, style, and feel” of his piece.  In the sense that both spots were shot with a hand-held camera and featured actors speaking to one another in English, I take his point.  But if that’s Mr. Camp’s idea of plagiarism, I suggest he get himself a good lawyer because he’s got a lot of TV, movie and advertising writers to sue.   He could start with this list of companies that have created humorous TV ad campaigns using the classic corporate boardroom pitch meeting as a premise:  (more…)

For all the talk about how TV, not movies, is where you find the best writing these days, I sometimes think they’re starting to run out of ideas for TV shows, too.  For example, as of this week there are two shows on primetime network television about men with very large penises.  (As far as I know the only show currently on network television about a man with a very small penis is Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice). HBO’s Hung is about a schoolteacher with a very large penis who’s forced by economic hardship to become a gigolo.  MTV’s The Hard Times of RJ Berger is about a high school loser who somehow fails to become popular even after the entire school finds out he has a very large penis. 

If these shows find audiences we can expect to see more shows with similar themes.  How about a sitcom in which a divorced dad with a very large penis tries to juggle career and parenting?  Or a family drama about a 70-year old widower with a very large penis who’s forced to move back in with his adult kids?  Or maybe people would watch a gritty police drama about a slightly racist, older white cop with a very large penis who’s assigned to a younger black partner of indeterminate penis size.  I know I would.    

HBO’s Hung feels like one of those “out there” spec scripts unemployed TV writers sometimes shop around desperately hoping to generate some heat out of sheer outrageousness, like a Seinfeld script in which Jerry kills a guy.  But in this case the joke’s on the writers because Hung actually got produced.      (more…)

The cruel exploitation of the impoverished masses has been a staple of Hollywood storytelling since the earliest days of movie making.  In fact, thanks to big-screen classics from The Grapes of Wrath to Slumdog Millionaire you might say that grinding poverty has been a real gold mine for Tinseltown.  Given Hollywood’s progressive politics you might also think that a good chunk of the vast box office earnings inspired by the world’s poor might by now have filtered down to the same unwashed throngs who are, in a sense, responsible for it.  And in most cases you would be wrong.

Crystal Lee Sutton, 68, died a couple of weeks ago of brain cancer.  You might know her better by her Hollywood name: Norma Rae.  Crystal’s life story was the inspiration for the 1979 Sally Field blockbuster that grossed $22 million (in 1979 dollars), four Oscar nominations, and two Oscars including Best Actress for the aforementioned Ms. Field.  Norma Rae’s character is #15 on the American Film Institute’s list of all-time greatest screen heroes; Norma Rae is rated 16^th of their “100 Most Inspiring Movies of All Time.”  Given all this you probably think that Crystal Lee Sutton died in relative comfort, content with her life’s work and unencumbered by material concerns such as medical bills.  Well, guess again. (more…)

OBITUARY                           August 27, 2009                     Ned Rice

The whole world suffered a terrible loss yesterday with the passing from cancer of a great American icon who overcame unspeakable family tragedies and his own alcoholism to become a legendary advocate for justice.  Born to privilege in a large and wealthy Irish Catholic family, he attended elite prep schools, served in the military, and after a family member’s murder devoted the rest of his life to social causes and fighting injustice wherever he found it.  This larger-than-life character’s quick wit and compelling speaking style made him a friend to all who knew him – even those of different political beliefs-and helped advance the many causes he believed in so passionately.

May you rest in peace, Dominick Dunne.   

OTHER DEATHS YESTERDAY:  Ted Kennedy           

For those of you who take it as an article of faith that Dan Quayle was the dumbest, most out-of-touch vice president who ever served this nation, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. 

Yesterday, Independence Day, Vice President Joe Biden attended a naturalization ceremony at Camp Victory in Baghdad, Iraq.  During the ceremony 237 U.S. servicemen from 59 countries, including Iraq, were sworn in as citizens of the United States of America.  At the conclusion of this solemn, undoubtedly moving and inspirational occasion, and in the presence of his own son Beau (currently serving in the 261st Theater Tactical Signal Brigade, Delaware Army National Guard), this is what the Vice President of the United States had to say: ”As corny as it sounds,” he told the troops, “Damn, I’m proud to be an American!” 

Where to begin?  

OK, if you were really proud to be an American, Mr. Vice President, you wouldn’t find it necessary to preface that declaration with the words, “as corny as it sounds”.  If you were really proud to be an American those words wouldn’t sound corny to you.  Then again, if you were really proud to be an American you wouldn’t be serving under a President who spent his last trip overseas apologizing to the world on behalf of America.  You wouldn’t be serving under a President who either doesn’t recognize or simply doesn’t understand the concept of American exceptionalism.  You wouldn’t, it could be reasonably argued, be a member of the current Democrat Party.  (more…)

Because my hobby is surfing obscure website nobody cares about, this week I happened upon this recent offering by the Southern Poverty Law Center. 

If you’re not familiar, the S.P.L.C. is one of those groups who did good work in their day (the Civil Rights Acts of 1964 and 1965), but, having run out of dragons to slay, are now casting about for reasons to carry on with their anti-white-racist mission in an era where a black President presides over a Democratic House and a Democratic Senate while the wealthiest, most admired and most powerful people on Planet Earth include Oprah Winfrey, Colin Powell, Tiger Woods, whatever Sean Combs is calling himself these days, and the black writer on 30 Rock. 

Chris Burgard “Border”

The S.P.L.C. has become a good illustration of the old adage that if all you have is a hammer pretty soon everything starts to look like a nail.  The group operates from a presumption of racism, i.e., the belief that every white person is a racist until they prove otherwise by adopting a Somalian orphan, personally spitting in David Dukes’ beer, and/or shopping for clothes at Target like Michelle Obama does.  All of which made the S.P.LC. a very unlikely source for an objective review of Chris Burgard’s spectacular documentary Border. (more…)

Published today at Townhall Magazine:

Hollywood A-list actress and longtime “Law & Order” star Angie Harmon caused a bit of a stir recently when she made the following comments about our new president: “If I have anything to say against Obama, it’s not because I’m a racist, it’s because I don’t like what he’s doing as president, and anybody should be able to feel that way. But what I find now is that if you say anything against him, you’re called a racist.”

But Harmon’s brazen outburst of political incorrectness was just getting started. Here’s what she had to say about Barack Obama becoming the first sitting U.S. president to appear as a guest on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”: “I do think McCain would have done a better job, only because I think he has more experience. I also think if W. or John McCain or Reagan would have gone and done a talk show, the backlash would have been so huge and in his face, and ‘What is our president doing? How unclassy!’ But Obama does it, and no one says anything.”

Want more? Here’s Harmon on the subject of Sarah Palin: “I admire any kind of woman like her. My whole motto is to know what I stand for and know what I don’t stand for and have the courage to live my life accordingly, and she does exactly that.” (more…)

I have three words for the next person who tries to tell me there’s no liberal bias in the mainstream media.  Or more precisely, three letters:  N, P, and R, as in National Public Radio.  This past Saturday’s “Morning Edition” ended with an interview of Rowan LeCompte, the 85-year old man who has devoted his life to creating and maintaining the stained glass features of the National Cathedral in Washington.  After briefly recapping his subject’s remarkable life-in-art host Scott Simon took the interview in a different direction by asking LeCompte, “Do you believe in God?”  His response was as follows:  

“I believe in kindness and love, and there are those who say those are God.  I don’t know, but I respect and love kindness and love, and worship them, and if I’m worshipping God, then I’m delighted.”   

Hmmm.  Well, no, Mr. LeCompte, you are most definitely not worshipping God by worshipping kindness and love, as worthy as those two pursuits might otherwise be.  Even I, a non-practicing Christian, know that.  But he continued: 

“I love love, and I love kindness, and I wish the churches would emphasize more the kindness.  Kindness to everybody,” he added, rather pointedly.    (more…)

“The best football movie ever!” declared one reviewer.  “It’s the ‘Hoop Dreams’ of football!”, chirped another.  Which is why, as a lifelong devotee of independent films, documentaries, and college football, I decided to see Harvard Beats Yale 29-29, a film by Kevin Rafferty about the “epic” 1968 game between the Ivy League rivals.  Like most epic football games, the 1968 Harvard-Yale game was between two teams nobody cared about, and it ended in a tie.  As if the fact that Harvard and Yale played to a tie in 1968 wasn’t enough to drag me into the theater, this film also features Tommy Lee Jones, a guard on that 1968 Harvard squad, and Yale quarterback Brian Dowling, the inspiration for “B.D.” in the comic strip Doonesbury that was so popular back when Jimmy Carter was president.  So what’s not to like?

Cut to me in one of the comfy chairs at the Screening Lounge of the Landmark Theaters at the Westside Pavilion in West L.A last night. (Which is awesome, by the way– it really is just like a screening room.)  Things got off to a slow start when some guy, seemingly not noticing the half-empty room, informed me that I was sitting in his seat.  Like most of the other patrons, this guy gave every appearance of being either a Yale or a Harvard man. Speaking of which, does Harvard only admit pompous jackasses, or is becoming a pompous jackass a requirement for graduating from Harvard?  Ah, the eternal questions.  (Actually, that’s probably not fair.  I’m sure that plenty of normal, decent, men and women of average-sized egos have graduated from Harvard University.  I’ve just never met one.)  In any case, the seating issue was resolved, the film was soon underway and I settled in for what promised to be the cinematic experience of a lifetime. (more…)

Dear Senator Feinstein/Senator Boxer/Rep. Jane Harmon,

I am writing you today regarding President Obama’s recent proposal to charge U.S. combat veterans (through their insurance carriers) for treatment received as a result of injuries suffered on the battlefields of Iraq and Afghanistan.  

I have been a close observer of the political scene for some years now and I have never heard a more outrageous, indefensible and utterly un-American idea as this one– and I’m not even a veteran.  The fact that President Obama would seriously consider such a notion speaks volumes about his stunning lack of understanding of, and respect for, America’s deepest-held military traditions.  The fact that such a heinous proposal would even see the light of day is a chilling indictment of the entire Obama administration and its agenda for this nation.   (more…)

It all started with an innocent-looking email, this one from the collective bargaining entity which represents me as a network television writer.  Along with the usual minutia there was a note requesting my support for the Employee Free Choice Act, a law which would allow employees to vote on unionizing while dispensing with some of the niceties we’ve come to associate with voting in this country— like, uh, the secret ballot.  Hence “free choice,” in the sense that it’s not free and it’s not your choice. 

Like most sentient, English-speaking people I oppose the EFCA because it would invite the browbeating of workers into unionizing whether they wanted it or not– which is why I suspect President Obama supports it.  I expressed these sentiments to the collective bargaining entity which represents me as a network television writer and before I knew it a lively exchange was underway between me and a self-described “union organizer”– which sounded suspiciously to me like “community organizer.”  That should have been my first clue. (more…)

Like many of you, I was an enthusiastic supporter of President Obama’s economic stimulus plan before I had even read it. Come to think of it, so was he.  Now I’m no economist, but when you’re faced with both soaring debt and galloping deficits what else is there to do but borrow three quarters of a trillion dollars from China and spend it on miscellaneous social programs and digital TV converter boxes?  It’s really kind of a no-brainer. 

Granted, I had my doubts about some of the stimulus bill’s targets– the $1.2 billion for “youth activities,” the $75 million for smoking cessation programs, that $400 million Museum of Paperclips in Bethesda– but I suppose one man’s pork is another man’s community redevelopment funding.  Besides, what really won me over was the crown jewel of the stimulus package: a $246 million tax break for Hollywood producers.  Finally, some desperately needed help for perhaps America’s neediest and most overlooked special interest groups: movie moguls.  (more…)

Hugh Jackman’s opening number the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen on TV that didn’t involve Dr. Gene Scott.

I can’t imagine how anybody watching could have enjoyed that.  OK, maybe Rob Lowe.

Give Anne Hathaway credit:  her Nixon’s better than Frank Langella’s.

Hugh Jackman’s coming across like an Aussie version of Conan O’Brien and I don’t like it.

This just in:  Obama has just raised the marginal tax rate on slumdog millionaires.