Multiple births are the new Mercedes.

The only married couple I know, Bob and Bruce, come over every so often to teach my boys how to be men, and then take them shopping for child-appropriate skincare and those awesome bio-degradable Chanel onesies I’ve seen on many fatherless celebrity babies.

When Bob and Bruce are busy, the guys I pick up at the bar the night before hang out with them for guy-time. This is handy because I learn these men’s names as they introduce themselves to my brood. Once they are acquainted I can get to work on my new fragrance line without worrying about the rugrats.

Had a real job back in 2008, but that stable, pre-proto-feminist lifestyle is so not important these days. Who needs jobs and money when you can be featured in a reality show and/or dance with the stars while pretending to not exploit your friends, family and children?

I’m in talks with MTV, VH1 and MSNBC (Keith Olbermann is not happy, I am vying for his time-slot to boost ratings). They are really psyched as I plan to release my sex tape (with John Edwards, because John Edward wasn’t available that night. He was communicating with my dead Grandma, who, as it turns out, is totally in favor of me releasing my X-rated shenanigans and likes the samples from my proposed clothing line).

Anyway, so glad I was enlightened — you don’t have to get married in order to have kids. Out of wedlock births used to be taboo. Morals are so 1985! Like the shoulder pads on Sarah Palin’s suits. My friends Alex and Robin are going through a divorce and little Beatrice is traumatized over how she will survive without both of her mommies, but at least they’ve worked out a custody agreement for the nannies.

Before I go on, I need to address a serious rumor that has nearly ruined my life. It’s absolutely false that Michaele Salahi was wearing the same Vera Wang dress as I was on the red carpet at Rahm Emanuel’s annual tutu auction. It wasn’t even the same color! Regardless, Michaele wasn’t invited to crash the event. It is often whispered she didn’t vote for God Jr. because the elections interfered with her regularly scheduled botox appointment. My friend in DC said Michaele once dropped the N-bomb in front of Arianna Huffington, and promptly checked herself into celebrity rehab and missed the Oscars. How gauche.

Anyway, I am participating in a unique green genetic program, implemented by those pro-life freaks, it’s basically embryo recycling and approved by Al Gore. I think I’ve finally found an embryo that is guaranteed African, Asian, American-Indian, Middle-Eastern and Canadian. Canadians are like synonyms for human beings, it’s exactly the same as buying something from a designer’s trunk sale. If you don’t say anything, no one will know the difference. And it’s so politically correct – my next child’s carbon footprint will be blacker than Al Gore’s. Please help me raise awareness for saving the earth, one embryo at a time.

Also, do let me know about your views on the post-modern feminist lifestyle in the comments. Oh, I will be out of town for the next few days, so I might not respond promptly, or my assistant will respond in my absence. I was so traumatized by the latest paparazzi photo of me stepping out of a limo, I briefly considered wearing panties. Instead, I’m headed to Cuba (where they have the world’s best free health care) to get things tightened up down there. Meanwhile, I’m going to hang out with my older children who are 7 and 19, watch some Happy Days reruns, and teach them about wine.

9:00 AM:
Crawl out of bed, go downstairs and hit the “on” switch for my Anger Manufacturing Plant, located conveniently in the basement — right next to my wine cellar.

9:10 AM:
Sign a few five-figure checks from the big drug and insurance companies and instruct Consuela to go deposit them in my bank account.

9:30 AM:
Go back to sleep with my life-sized Founding Fathers dolls, dream of freedom from the socialist Obama regime.

10:00 AM:
Wake up due to the noise created by the lawn crew with their jobs, and work on the astroturf. Smile and realize how much this must anger liberals.

10:05 AM:
Crawl over the 1,000 printed pages of the ObamaCare bill and yell at the lawn boys. Tell them to hurry because we will begin drilling for oil in the yard, any minute now.

12 PM:
Wake up again. The drilling has begun in my backyard. Consuela is crying because she found an oil coated baby seal beached by the koi pond.

12:05 PM:
Retrieve the baby seal for processing in the Anger Manufacturing Plant.

1:10 PM:
Prank call Princess Pelosi’s cellphone, suggesting new and innovative ways she might want to alter her face using “green technology” and stimulus dollars.

1:15 PM:
Let the shower run for a long time until the water is good and hot. Turn up the central air and open a few windows because it’s a bit too steamy in the bathroom.

1:45 PM:
Call other right-wing extremists, find out if they want to be extreme today, (they do) and set up a meeting at the range.

2:05 PM:
My driver takes me to target practice in the Hummer. While cruising on the freeway, toss 500 Obama Joker posters out the window. Laugh maniacally.

3:29: PM:
Rifle through my closet and discover I mainly have clothing that would give me away as “well dressed” and therefore a highly paid lackey of the blogs, drug companies and insurance giants.

4:00 PM:
Visit the local Goodwill store to find sloppy clothing, such that a liberal might wear.

4:00-5:00 PM:
Spend time in the Moxtopia business office, boxing and preparing my manufactured anger for shipment to various extremist elements on the east coast.

5:15 PM:
Receive instructions from my contact at the drug company for tomorrow’s Town Hall Meeting.

5:18 PM:
Tell him I am doubling my rate and prefer to be paid in cash. Tax dollars kill babies through abortion, I remind him. And babies need drugs too.

5:50 PM:
Purchase a second Hummer using “Cash for Clunkers”. Just in case the first is out of gas.

6:00 PM:
Make a “Wise Latina” joke to Consuela, while snitching on myself to flag@whitehouse.gov, detailing my own “fishy” ideas about ObamaCare.

6:59 PM:
Recognize people all over the world are still suffering from socialism and communism.

7:01 PM:
Wonder if any in the Obama regime might be convinced — in the interest of fixing the fake global warming catastrophe –  to melt down and recycle the iron fist of communism, because capitalism is a much more efficient manner of making sure everyone has money.

7:50 PM:
Realize the iron fist of communism will remain intact and sitting on the mantel in the flag@whitehouse.gov office.

Look, as I’ve always said the most important quality, in a man, is humility. And I want to lead America, by example.

Lots of Americans sit around and uh, wonder how I can stand to be so awesome day in and day out. And I’m not going to lie to you, it’s a difficult balance. My humility always returns when I look to my wife, Michelle.

She’s more of a man than I’ll ever be, and she can bench-press triple her weight, which is no small number. Roughly speaking, it’s slightly less than the deficit.

And uh…I understand this is a vast right-wing conspiracy humor site. And some of you are pretty harsh with your views on me. But I’m just like you.

My Grandma was a racist, just like all of you who didn’t vote for me. So, I’m exactly like 50% of all Americans, except I no longer have bowel movements, sometimes marvel at how easy it is to walk on water, kiss the press in private places, and ignore historical proof that, uh, my ideas may not be as good as I think.

You mock my teleprompter, and uh, as I’ve always said, I use it to appear more humble. The “uh’s” and tennis-match-observer head motions have always been my plan. When it breaks, during a speech, I appear humble by bumbling my sentences. This is all pre-planned. In fact, right now the teleprompter is scrolling at an unruly rate, so uh, I have to fake it.

Now, look — I know you Americans, who uh, understand history seem to think socialism is a failed idea. I don’t know. History. And, we’re halfway through my term, or at least half-way through the first year of my regime — and I’ve managed to implement socialism, in new and exciting ways.

And I encourage humility, especially in Americans who make more than minimum wage, because it takes humility to pay the kind of taxes I am planning for you. Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you. That’s an old Kenyan saying, one my Father taught me during the 5 hours I spent with him during my life.

Proof of my humility, in the middle of my awesome regime, may be found in a very public mistake I’ve made. Yes, I picked Biden so I’d look good, and the truly humble thing to do, would have been to pick Hillary as my veeper. But look, I’m still working on the humility. And mostly doing an outstanding job.

A lot has happened in fourteen days — since Friday, the 24th of April — when the wires started buzzing 24/7 about the “Swine Flu.”

Oh wait, my bad. Now it’s the much more politically correct, H1N1 (Dems can’t offend the porcine population, they might need Porky Pig or pro-choice Miss Piggy to vote in 2010 and 2012).

In the meanwhile, a lot of stories haven’t been covered nearly enough outside of blogs and Fox News. Oddly, the vast majority of these stories seem to be things Obama God, Jr. wants to keep quiet. Here’s a not so exhaustive list:

• That little problem of a projected 1.7+ trillion dollar deficit, from the very people who moaned at Bush’s comparatively minuscule deficit.
• That’s okay, God, Jr. promised a chicken in every pot, and his biggest supporter Oprah provided! There were line-ups at Kentucky Fried Chicken locations across the country, however, her coupons for free food often proved as useless as an American dollar in Paris. But at least those who got the free grub got gas.
• Speaking of fuel, people right of center and those in NYC know, Scare Force One buzzed NYC for the $380,000 photo op. The results of which may (or may not) actually be released. And may, or may not further terrorize New Yorkers when they realize exactly who is in the oval office.
• Oh, on total transparency, God, Jr. has proclaimed the tracking of ‘every dime’ of stimulus will be delayed until 2010.
• In the meanwhile, Bank of America needs billions and billions more, likely to be spent long before we achieve Deepak Chopra style transparency, world peace, and the universal ability to take a free yoga class, in 2010.
• But back to the present, I heard there is a successful school voucher program in DC being revoked. Who would do such a thing?
• No one knows, but the USA’s Community Organizer in Chief wanted Grey Poupon on his burger.
• Speaking of community, God, Jr.’s plan to close Guantanamo includes them being released in your backyard. That’s cool with you, right?
• It better be, or the Obama misadministration might threaten you with public attacks, the way they didn’t to Chrysler creditors who refused to surrender their contractual rights!
• Speaking publicly, John Edwards, formerly the pretty-bunny-boy of the Democratic party has a wife with terminal cancer and a book coming out, which mentions his alleged affair with possible baby mama, Rielle Hunter.
• Plus, someone doled out a bunch of hush money for Rielle, and guess whose campaign funds are being looked over?
• Of course, some good did come of the swine flu hysteria. Joe Biden told people not to fly or expose themselves to confined areas. He should know all about confined areas, having been released from his own undisclosed padded location.

Some people might be wondering where Moses works into this, and why an atheist is mentioning Moses at all. But as the story goes, Moses had to tap the rock twice to produce water…and many stories are worth repeating. Even if we can’t add anything new.

But I know I missed so many stories, glossed over by the mainstream media, feel free to add them in the comments.

Moxie can usually be found not posting at her own blog Moxie.nu.