Being a woman is great in this post proto-feminist world, and if you aren’t already a modern woman, I’d like to take you out of the kitchen and bring you up to speed. I was raised to believe in antiquated ideas — such as a woman needs to act like a lady and that a child needs both a mother and a father! Preposterous. Last week I squeezed out eight fatherless kids while at the sports bar during half-time – I do have a few pre-existing kids from different baby daddies, but I was keeping up with all the octomoms in the neighborhood.

Multiple births are the new Mercedes.

The only married couple I know, Bob and Bruce, come over every so often to teach my boys how to be men, and then take them shopping for child-appropriate skincare and those awesome bio-degradable Chanel onesies I’ve seen on many fatherless celebrity babies.

When Bob and Bruce are busy, the guys I pick up at the bar the night before hang out with them for guy-time. This is handy because I learn these men’s names as they introduce themselves to my brood. Once they are acquainted I can get to work on my new fragrance line without worrying about the rugrats.

Had a real job back in 2008, but that stable, pre-proto-feminist lifestyle is so not important these days. Who needs jobs and money when you can be featured in a reality show and/or dance with the stars while pretending to not exploit your friends, family and children? (more…)

9:00 AM:
Crawl out of bed, go downstairs and hit the “on” switch for my Anger Manufacturing Plant, located conveniently in the basement — right next to my wine cellar.

9:10 AM:
Sign a few five-figure checks from the big drug and insurance companies and instruct Consuela to go deposit them in my bank account.

9:30 AM:
Go back to sleep with my life-sized Founding Fathers dolls, dream of freedom from the socialist Obama regime. (more…)

Guest Post by Barack Hussein Obama transcribed from the teleprompter by Moxie:

Look, as I’ve always said the most important quality, in a man, is humility. And I want to lead America, by example.

Lots of Americans sit around and uh, wonder how I can stand to be so awesome day in and day out. And I’m not going to lie to you, it’s a difficult balance. My humility always returns when I look to my wife, Michelle.

She’s more of a man than I’ll ever be, and she can bench-press triple her weight, which is no small number. Roughly speaking, it’s slightly less than the deficit. (more…)

A lot has happened in fourteen days — since Friday, the 24th of April — when the wires started buzzing 24/7 about the “Swine Flu.”

Oh wait, my bad. Now it’s the much more politically correct, H1N1 (Dems can’t offend the porcine population, they might need Porky Pig or pro-choice Miss Piggy to vote in 2010 and 2012).

In the meanwhile, a lot of stories haven’t been covered nearly enough outside of blogs and Fox News. Oddly, the vast majority of these stories seem to be things Obama God, Jr. wants to keep quiet. Here’s a not so exhaustive list: (more…)

I love the irony of 7th Heaven alum, Jessica Biel calling that software dude “God”.