A passion for great reading and writing has lead Ernie Mannix here to Big Hollywood. A former advertising writer, and radio writer/producer, Mannix also was the writer/publisher of a successful collectible magazine. His story, “Pat Hobby Turns Fifty” (a continuation of F. Scott Fitzgerald's the “Pat Hobby Stories”), was included in the University of South Carolina’s F. Scott Fitzgerald permanent collection.
On the music side, Mannix has worked extensively in the "pop" world, the "serious" world, and the commercial/film side of music. His choral music has been performed throughout Europe and the United States and is published by Warner Chapel. He has twice performed at Carnegie Hall, and has the surreal distinction of singing on that stage with the late, great Luciano Pavorotti seated in the audience. (We have been advised that when Italian singers hold up the middle finger, it is a compliment.)
His pop music has been recorded on the Phonogram, CAM, and Slant labels. His "Dinner at Eight" jingle for San Pellegrino (originally written for Tony Bennett), has been brainwashing you since 1987. He has composed the music for several feature films and television shows, including “The Deli,” and is scheduled to score John Andrew Gallaghers feature film, "Digger.” Mannix won the "Golden Reel Award" for best Music Editing at the 49th annual Motion Picture Sound Editors Awards.
Mannix graduated from C.W.Post L.I.U. majoring in composition and further studies include orchestration at The Juilliard School.
Future plans include building some really cool monster models, then blowing the crap out of them this July 4th. See you in hell, Count Dracula.
Ernie Mannix
Read Between The Lines of: The Hollywood Green Message of Importance.
by Ernie MannixA message from Hollywood -
(Not the people who really work hard here like the drivers, grips, electricians, greensman, editors, carpenters, etc. – just us so very important ‘Stars’)
- on what YOU the World – can do to save our planet: (Listen up you nasty smelly little flyover stalker freaks.)
1. Conserve Water!
(Don’t you dare water your 40′ x 100′ lawn. Let it go brown. We’ll keep swimming in our 3 pools, The infinity one in Malibu, and the two at the compound in Palm Springs.)
2. Airplanes are the grossest polluters. Fight Climate Change, take the bus, or ride your bike!
(All you little people, not us right now – we’re too busy with our awesome important star stuff, and we have a very important film festival to attend in a foreign country that mostly hates the U.S. and we just don’t want to miss out on this opportunity to knock America and Americans. P.S. the film is about Climate change, so it is very important we get there fast with our very snobby entourage.) (more…)
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Support for Polanski Explained: The ‘Cinematic Immunity’ Clause
by Ernie MannixSECTION 23. PART A:
THE CINEMATIC IMMUNITY CLAUSE
This contract’s previously mentioned HOLLYWOOD STAR, having surpassed all normal standards of importance, (and now seeking revenge for being a high school nerd); shall not be held responsible for any and all of the following crimes, misdemeanors, torts, or traffic infractions:
- Throwing chairs and injuring assistants or standers by.
- Tantrums of any variety, in addition to chair or other furniture throwing.
- Double-dipping in the Craft Service table Salsa bowls.
- Driving around the cars of the ‘little people’ lined up at the security gate with your middle finger out.
- Carbon foot-printing like a freakin’ Sasquatch Beeeotch.
- Scratching your ass inside your pants then grabbing a handful of M&M’s from the bowl at the snack table.
- Telling your P.A. “You f—ing piece of sh-t, I told you I wanted to order lunch at 12:25 EVERY DAY! Not even a minute f—ing later or earlier you f—ing piece of sh-t.”
- Not showing up at the Cast & Crew Screening. (more…)
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The Ghost Of Ronald Reagan
by Ernie Mannix
“Let’s take a break fellas, I am sick of being in damage control mode. I gotta kick it for a few minutes” President Obama complained .
“Okay everyone, let’s leave the President alone for a bit of a rest” announces the President’s chief of staff, then whispering into his bosses ear he adds: “I think in a few days, our pals at CBS, NBC and ABC will have some surprises for them and this onslaught will stop. It’s just real tough trying to get anything on this Big Hollywood/Big Government bunch, they’re all pretty clean, even that nut Mannix.” (more…)
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Found Nostradamus Predictions: ObamaCare, Czars, Joe Wilson and More!
by Ernie Mannix
Amazing. Digging in the parking lot at Barney’s Beanery in West Hollywood, (please don’t judge my hobbies), I found another set of the quizzical quatrains that heretofore have never been seen. This Nostra dude had it going on… and on.
QUATRAIN VICKS 44 XXII (Possibly Healthcare Town Hall meetings)
Yeah, the dwellers of the meeting in the hall of townsfolk,
Hath been shillithed by the men from the large white home,
Bringing a false love for the large plan of the nations medicines,
All good men, please turn your heads and cough. (more…)
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Barack Obama: The Movie
by Ernie Mannix
“We’re here today, Mr. President, about the project that is due our studio, …on your contract,” the man with rectangular blue Goutier glasses crisply announces to the gathered party of the President and his people. He adds, “I assume Mr. Emanuel explained everything to you… Sir.
According to our pre-election agreement Mr. President, our television divisions were to provide you with substantially positive coverage, while at the same time focusing on the fringe of the losing party, and their…. ‘ideas.’ You know the birth certificate thing, the anti-Christ, …yada.”
(Smiles and chuckles about the room.) (more…)
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Bill Calls Hillary
by Ernie Mannix
(Ringggggggggggggg.)
Todd, the assistant to the assistant of Ms. Clinton:
Mrs. Clinton? Mr. Clinton is on the phone for you.
Hillary:
That’s MS. Clinton. Give me that phone.
Hello…?
Bill:
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA BWAAA HAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHA! Ho ho ho HOOO HOOO BWAAAAAAAAH HAHA HA HA HA, uh Heee hee heeee………Ohhhhhh hey, Hun! (more…)
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Your Assignment: Name Obama’s Hot Sauce
by Ernie MannixDateline: Future, most likely August 2012
Having been quite successful at my previous naming assignment for the Obama administration, I was encouraged to assist with another project for the folks at the White House.
After being bored sitting on my rump for a few months collecting my government writer’s retainer, (GS 1700 making it 28K a week) I was delighted to get the call from the new POTUS Merchandising Czar.
The Czar was none other than “Fish”; the former spokesman from the ShamWow! commercials. I knew in advance this assignment was not as high profile or prestigious as renaming a former naughty prison camp, for it was just a simple product-naming gig. However, in my former life as an ad/jingle writer, I had named many products, from expensive toys to cheap boxes of wine and I kind of enjoyed it. Volume is the key. You have to kick out a lot of names, and sometimes those names will trigger others, spurring further avenues of creativity. Czar Fish called me at home from his boat in Florida to give me some welcomed creative direction. (more…)
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My 4th of July Hero: Helen Thomas
by Ernie MannixI have been more or less one of the resident class-clowns here at BH. Having been been so appalled at the bizarre news coming out of Washington on a daily basis, I’ve been unable to write anything, that isn’t from a satirical viewpoint. I must set off the political ‘Whoopee Cushion’ on these pages regularly, in order to keep my sanity and (pardon the expression), blow off some frustration amidst this dealership closin’, bank grabbin’, climate Goreing, march to socialism. The absolute lies, baloney and insanity streaming down from Washington, (all being completely ignored by the most of the press) have forced me to assume my old high school role of Goofball-Deluxe. Comedy hides pain? Okay maybe, but I don’t have to be B.F. Skinner to admit to you dear reader, that my satire was just an extension of the frustration caused by the real farce that has been taking place amidst one of our dearest freedoms; that of The Press.
–
However, my dear wittle wabbits; please to knock me over with a feather (imitation of course, not from a eagle or a dolphin). The savior of my week was none other than the far-left lady from the great state of Bush-Bashachussetts: Ms. Helen Thomas.
She (for the time being) has undone my jaded eye-rolling hopelessness–she has (for at least this article) turned me into a reporter of sorts. Brava lady. Brava. Okay, it took the longest running member of the White House Press Corps to get any of the mainstream media to actually pay attention and not sweep it away with their “Right Wing Conspirator-Fox News” broom – but hey, whatever dudes! This week the news was the news. (more…)
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The Ghost of Johnny Carson
by Ernie MannixDavid Letterman was just rising – earlier than you might think for a guy who’s show is on late enough for college partiers and “freelancers” to enjoy without fear of feeling tired the next day. You’d think that only if you didn’t know the show is taped earlier in the day – and what was taped this week certainly stirred the pot.
“You think maybe you would have edited that, David?” Mr. Carson asked, standing in the lavish bathroom.
“I mean your producer had the time. They could have cut it, right?”
Carson looked very young. Circa ‘66 young.
Letterman was incredulous. “Johnny… what the heck are you doing here, how can this be possible?” the aging late night host queried. (more…)
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Inside the Head of Nancy Pelosi
by Ernie Mannix
Gourmet cheese… Adolpho the world’s most expensive hair stylist… Lake Como… Van Cleef & Arpels… Tiffany…
WATER-BLAH BLAH BLAH….
Armani… Cole-Haan… Private Jets with mahogany paneling…
WATER-BOOP-BOOP-BOOP….
Little Doggie sweaters… delicious, though insanely-overpriced-for-being-grown-locally California fruit… Chanel… The Galapagos Islands… AL Gore; President of the Galapagos Islands… Al Gore in big Moo-Moo whilst President of the Galapagos Islands… (more…)
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The Ghost of John F. Kennedy
by Ernie Mannix“Strange…” he blurted, on feeling that familiar pain in his lower back. “I’m just vapor and thought, and I still need a chiropractor.”
The handsome man instinctively brushed aside the hair barely hanging down on his forehead as he pressed on towards the residence portion of the house.
“Ah… I am here to see Obama” he told the secret service guard inside the residence. The guard did not react at all. John Fitzgerald Kennedy knew right off that his presence would be seen only by his intended audience and the guard saw nothing. “Fix your tie pal.” Kennedy joked as he walked passed the oblivious sentry.
“You must be President Kennedy”, Obama sheepishly asked the figure now standing above him as he lay in bed. ”These visits are getting quite regular, are you the last?” (more…)
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Recently Discovered: More Nostradamus Premonitions
by Ernie MannixMy research at the La Brea tar pits has uncovered even more Nostradamus Quatrains that just may, (I repeat in the name of truth and science); may pertain to our current national situation. My humble opinion as to what the Quatrain just might be saying is in parentheses next to the listing. You be the judge. (Additional research at Bob’s Big Boy in Burbank and J.G Melon’s in NYC.)
Quatrain 3 Century XMII (The Vice President)
Then came in the wild stories. The tall of the truth will be at full ebb. Laughter from high rooms of the House of White walls. Quash factus, push out all that matters in truth. Rove on in the snicker. Wash away all the real and only then the Byden will spin the tallest tales and really shovel the crap. (more…)
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From Desk of: All the Congresses and President, Hope Change Without Bush Update
by Ernie Mannix
FROM : ALL US CONGRESS AND PRESIDENTS OF THE US
TO: ALL THE PEOPLES OF THE EARTH AND THE AMERICA.
CC: Madame Pelosis, Hary Reide, Sen. Frank, Not Bush. Mr. Gietner Taxes.
Dear American Friend!,
Oh the happytimes for us are coming without Bush. Assureing the future pleasent times for the Americans. Her’is what we are doing for this things: (more…)
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The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln
by Ernie MannixGently walking through the hallway, the angular man traded his curiosity about his peculiar situation, (that of being back in his old home), for purpose. The purpose was containment of a problem. The problem was that of a young president gone astray.
The charge of his visit was given to him by Washington, who was not feeling very confident about a recent visit of his own. (See: “The Ghost of George Washington.”)
Mr. Lincoln was never one to forgo the instruction of the Founding Father, as Washington had visited him in spirit, and was always close to his heart in troubled times. So, like a soldier – on he walked. (more…)
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The Ghost of George Washington
by Ernie Mannix“It’s says; ‘We The People’, Mr. Obama, – not ‘We the Government,’ nor ‘We the Bureaucrat,’ nor ‘We the Department of Everything Pleasant and Unpleasant,’” the rigidly regal legend declared just seconds after materializing in the bedroom. Then, turning towards the window, his eyes widened almost dis-pleasingly, as he surveyed the city given his name.
“Mr. Washington…. President Washington…” said a nervous Obama, “things are different now; I inherited a crisis… we need government to provide for the people, we need government for our banking system, and we need government to protect the quality of life for citizens all around the country.”
The elder tapped his chest with the lightest of touch, gripped his mouth and raised his chin slightly as if holding back an angry torrent of knowledge, his mind seemed to be sifting that knowledge as to politely address the younger man. Then, speaking slowly, he said softly: (more…)
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White House Interoffice Memo:
by Ernie Mannix
FROM: POTUS
TO: All White House Staff, Ms. O.W., Rev. W., Mr. W.A.
CC: MSNBC, NBC, CNBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, NPR, COMEDY CENTRAL.
RULE #1:
Beginning this Friday, we are eliminating all references to, either verbally or physically; the notion of ‘problems’ of any sort.
No admittance of, or complaint about, a ‘problem’ whether previous or present shall be verbalized, text-ed, emailed, noted, teleprompted, signed, mimed, smoke signaled, transferred, dreamt about, slept with, interpretively danced, pig called, semaphored, channeled, Morse coded or telepathed in any language known now or that may be discovered or created by men, aliens or Canadians in perpetuity forever and ever, amen. (more…)
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Terrorism = Man Made Disaster? Let’s try some others:
by Ernie Mannix
(Let’s all dig the new lingo.)
Murderer = Overpopulation assistant
Criminal = Alternative life economist
Child abandonment = Remote Parenting (more…)
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Inside the Head of Keith Olbermann
by Ernie Mannix
O’Reilly’sRatingsO’Reilly’sRatingsO’Reilly’sRatingsO’Reilly’sRatingsO’Reilly’sRatings
O’Reilly’sRatingsO’Reilly’sRatingsO’Reilly’sRatingsO’Reilly’sRatingsO’Reilly’sRatings
O’Reilly’sRatingsO’Reilly’sRatingsO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’RATINGSO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’
RATINGSO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’RATINGSO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’RATINGSO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’
RATINGSICAN’TSTOPTHINKINGABOUTO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’RATINGSO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’
RATINGSO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’RATINGSSHUTUPABOUTO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’RATINGSSHUT
UPABOUTO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’RATINGSSHUTUPABOUTO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’RATINGS
PLEASESHUTUPABOUTO’REILLY’SFREAKIN’RATINGSNOMOREPLEASESHUTUPABOUT
O’REILLY’SFREAKIN’RATINGSAAAHHHHHHMOTHEROFGODSHUTUPABOUTO’REILLY’S
FREAKIN’RATINGS
Wake up…… (more…)
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New Nostradamus Predictions Found
by Ernie Mannix
Recently geocached and unearthed in a shoebox at Vasquez Rocks; these newly found quatrains of the great Nostradamus are presented here for the very first time: (I sure as hell believe it.)
Quatrain IIVX
The woman of the dome of the Pelosis. Bring forth and give her the highest flying bird with the golden seats. Let the low dogs and workers pay in gold for her comforts and cheese. Into the heavens trans back and forth the great continent to visit in kind the land of foggy coastal insanity. (more…)
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Things President Obama Does Instead Of Watching Stock Market:
by Ernie Mannix
1. Hides from Harry Reid in the White House’s old bowling alley.
2. Check his Blackberry’s GPS for Hillary’s location.
2a. Chooses the furthest country from Hillary’s present location and tells her to go there next.
3. Tells knee-slapping Biden Jokes. (more…)
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Inside the Head of Hillary Clinton
by Ernie Mannix
(THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE from thousands of people on the Washington Mall.)
Announcer:
“And now, ladies and gentlemen, the poet laureate; Maya Angelou.”
(Applause from the masses and inauguration VIPs.) (more…)
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The Anti-Churchill: Obama Talks, The Market Drops.
by Ernie MannixAll through the campaign Barack Obama told us not to listen to the “politics of fear.” These are the ways of the old guard, the naysayers, the negative ones - he said. Those who won’t sit and talk with the bad men are the warmongers - he called them. These are the guys who created our enemies, he inferred. Don’t listen when they use words like “terrorist” and ”disaster” and ignore the call to be vigilant. It’s a neo-con ruse. It’s a plot to scare you.
So what has our president been saying lately? The economic slump is a “continuing disaster,” he told us. He said the economy is “in crisis.” Back in December he told us it was “going to get worse.” Recently he warned of a “national catastrophe” if the stimulus bill wasn’t passed. He kept his speech before the joint session somewhat more positive in a stylistic sense (style points count when you blow off your promise about not tolerating any earmarks). But still, again down goes the Dow. (more…)
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Obama’s State of the Union: The Foreclosures-burg Address
by Ernie Mannix
Four to seven years ago, our fathers scored and brought forth on this continent, some new homes, conceived in stucco, and dedicated to the proposition that all men can get second mortgages.
Now we are engaged in a great economic crisis, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated to overspending -putting in built-in pools – blowing a wad in Vegas- buying way too much crap on eBay, then stepping up to a “C” class – can long endure. (more…)
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Oh great now the Mormans are rioting again.
by Ernie MannixThanks for nothing Sean.
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I pledge to never again watch a Sean Penn film.
by Ernie MannixEver. Old or new.
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Penn? Just shut off the TV. Thank goodness the 38 ain’t loaded.
by Ernie MannixIt’s an Elvis deal.
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Fosse Fosse Fosse.
by Ernie MannixFabulous.
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Nehru Jackets are gonna be hot this fall.
by Ernie MannixOnly 1499.00 at Barney’s NY.
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I’ll betcha Michelle and the kids are bored stiff.
by Ernie MannixOr she’s walking Biden around to keep him awake.
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