David Burge blogs at Iowahawk, considered by many to be one of the sites on the internet. His work has appeared in the Weekly Standard, Garage Magazine, Middle East Quarterly, SpeedTV.com, PajamasTV, British satire site Anorak, and Readings in American Government.
He is a veteran of several Hollywood bus tours and owns an exclusive map to the homes of the stars. He also has amassed over $200 in Blockbuster late fees. He lives in Chicago.
Iowahawk
by Iowahawk
Who are these people? I wanna see Mickey Rourke give them an atomic piledriver.
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by Iowahawk
WTF? Anyone else catch the reference about “making the suburban 50s look nothing like the prison it was”?
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by Iowahawk
Hey Sarah Jessica Parker — why so long in the face?
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by Iowahawk
What, no speech for Gay robot marriage?
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by Iowahawk
Did I miss anything? I’ve been watching NHRA nationals on ESPN2.
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Heere Bigynneth the Tale of the Asse-Hatte.
by IowahawkAn Archbishop of Canterbury Tale
With apologies to Geoffrey Chaucer
1 Whan in Februar, withe hise global warmynge
2 Midst unseasonabyl rain and stormynge
3 Gaia in hyr heat encourages
4 Englande folke to goon pilgrimages.
5 Frome everiches farme and shire
6 Frome London Towne and Lancanshire
7 The pilgryms toward Canterbury wended
8 Wyth fyve weke holiday leave extended
9 In hybryd Prius and Subaru
10 Off the Boughton Bypasse, east on M2. (more…)
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Driving Mr. Daschle
by Iowahawk“Good morning.”
“Where to this morning?”
“Let me check my BlackBerry… Looks like I’ve got a 10 am meeting at Alston & Bird, then lunch at the Palm with Leo Hindery. After that I’ve got to drop by the bank to cash some checks.”
“Yes sir, I’ll keep the motor running.”
CLUNK (more…)
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It Takes a Proverb to Run a Village
by IowahawkAs grad student experts have long taught us, Western culture is quick to marginalize and devalue knowledge from the “Other.” For example, look at the recent ridicule aimed at the “Egg of Power” sculpture President Obama keeps in the Oval Office. There is a disturbing hint of racism to the ridicule, because that sculpture happens to refer to a traditional proverb that comes from, depending on how you Google it, either Kenya or a 1993 Hallmark Kwanzaa card. Would these critics be so cavalier in their snickering if the president had brought some traditional white art, like a Successories poster or replica Harry Potter wand?
This kind of closed-mindedness is wrong. Just because a culture has occasional problems with dysentery doesn’t mean it can’t produce sage nuggets of universal wisdom, suitable for framing. It is also wrong because it ignores the incredible merchandising opportunities. Just look at Hillary Clinton and Al Gore – what better way to show off your expansive intelligence and down-with-the-Other multicultural chops than quoting the occasional Third World tribal advice? (more…)
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Ten Things You Can Do To Save The Planet
by IowahawkA Go-Green Guide for the Hollywood Community
More than ten years after the Kyoto accords, our planet continues to careen helplessly toward certain environmental destruction. The skies are choked with pollutants. Adorable helpless polar bears plunge through thinning ice caps. Ben Affleck still can’t find a decent comeback project.
The signs are ominous, but it’s not too late to do something. As a member of the entertainment community, you are uniquely qualified to save our planet from coming climate disaster. But it will take more than raising awareness — it will take action. Have your personal assistant add these 10 to-dos to your Blackberry, and let’s get the Earth on the road to recovery! (more…)
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The Idiossey
by IowahawkThe Not-Really-That-Epic Poem of Obamacles
Revised and Updated
(with Apologies to Homer)
Book the First: A question for the Muse
Speak to me, O Muse, of this resourceful man
who strides so boldly upon the golden shrine of Potomac,
Between Ionic plywood columns, to the kleig light altar.
Fair Obamacles, favored of the gods, ascends to Olympus
Amidst lusty tributes and the strumming lyres of Media;
Their mounted skyboxes echo with the singing of his name
While Olbermos and Mattheus in their greasy togas wrassle
For first honor of basking in their hero’s reflected glory.
Who is this man, so bronzed in countenance,
So skilled of TelePrompter, clean and articulate
whose ears like a stately urn’s protrude?
So now, daughter of Zeus, tell us his story.
And just the Cliff Notes if you don’t mind,
We don’t have all day.
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I Pledge
by IowahawkRush transcript of the celebrity Pledge of Obama Allegiance video (for educational purposes only)
[Fade in; cue pseudo-soulful electric piano dirge]
Courtney Cox and her husband, what’s-his-name: I pledge.
Demi Moore: I pledge.
Cameron Diaz: Me pledge too!!
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Mark Your Time, Hu-Mans!
by Iowahawk
Special Guest Commentary
by Waxulon-6, Lord High Admiral of the Kremulakian Earth Invaders
The Being Formerly Known as Congressman Henry Waxman (D-CA)
Attention Hu-Mans:
Mark your time! Behold the current heat readings of your atmosphere, which have now reached less than negative 40 in your Earth-degrees. Phase I of the Kremulakian conquest of your filthy pitiful orb is complete!
Foolish Hu-Mans, did you not suspect? It is now far too late for resistance. The planetary reign of the invincible Ice Beings of Kremulak can not be stopped, and thus I can now reveal all. And taunt your Earth-foolishness with delicious impunity! Ha ha ha!
When our scientist first discovered your planet 6.3 Kremulakian moon-orbits ago, I argued before the High Admiralty that it would be a suitable world for conquest and colonization. The Inner Council accused me of madness! They said we Kremulaks could never survive in your stupid planet’s hostile hot temperatures. They said our nostrils would mutate and explode under your intense atmospheric pressures. They said that Hu-mans would never vote us into their control councils. (more…)
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Movies Are Your Best Entertainment Value
by IowahawkAs a professional filmmaker, I have to say I was as stunned as you when I read that the film industry suffered through another lackluster box office year in 2008. The chief reasons for this appear to be the economy and Internet pirates, or possibly that Raisinette ebola scare. Whatever the cause it’s safe to say that it had nothing to do with the screen product, because 2008 was also a landmark year for the kind of ponderous, preachy, high-quality cinema that Americans from Santa Monica to Silverlake are clamoring for. Don’t take my word for it — just look at the record 5,362 awards Hollywood earned from itself last year, up nearly 35% from 2003. Suck on that, stupid box office!
Thankfully, however, Hollywood’s nagging box office troubles are finally a thing of the past now that President-Elect Obama is busily healing the economy and the MPAA’s 6th Fleet is bombarding the movie pirates off the Barbary Coast. It’s finally safe for America to return to the local octoplex and enjoy the rich $10 cinematic experience they’ve been avoiding for the past year. Just look at some of the promising releases in store for 2009:
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