INEVITABLY, ANOTHER SOLDIER SNAPS

Distraught pacifist conscientious objector tormented by horrors of war, as far as you know

Newsroom experts: stress, violence, stupidity, tragedy a way of life for GIs

Former M*A*S*H stars say it’s finally time to disarm the military

Hollywood insiders: Sean Penn early favorite for lead in planned Oliver Stone biopic

Nidal Hassan – not a fan of taxes Fort Hood: Another Black Eye For Teabagger Movement Connecting the dots: 2006-8 Tax returns show anti-government extremist carefully itemized deductions Like many Town Hall protesters, Hassan motivated by rage, pattern baldness Phone records: suspect tried to join Hair Club for Men Tearful Pelosi pushes Congress for new Tea Party regulations: “our lives are at stake”

Closet Dittohead? Investigation: Ft. Hood Killer Had Access to Fox, Talk Radio, Right-Wing Blogs Receipts show killer’s apartment had cable ‘03 Nissan registered to Hassan had AM radio Napolitano: “I told you so” Sources: Despite 17 citations as Countdown’s ‘Worst Person In The World,’ FBI failed to detain Limbaugh Defiant Palin rejects calls to apologize

Hassan: NRA poster boy GUN GOES ON RAMPAGE IN TEXAS Experts say shootings could have easily been prevented if guns did not exist; others argue bullets must share blame Gun facts: scary, loud, shoot people

Reverend Nidal Hassan say Gimme that Old Time Religion Fundamentalist Religion Seen As Motive in Ft. Hood Massacre Devout churchgoer evangelized conservative views Shooter’s former Virginia home was mere hours from Jerry Falwell compound What did Tilton, Swaggert, Osteen know?

Billy Ray Hassan – average American Southerner Another Typical Day in Dixieland U.S.A. In the land of cotton, some hear echoes of Civil War in latest violent redneck rampage American-born killer was son of the Jim Crow South NASCAR may have been involved Britons warned: limit U.S. travel to safe areas such as New York, Chicago, Los Angeles

Hassan: owned GameStop member card Did Violent Video Games, Rap Lyrics Drive Killing Spree? Video: Grand Theft Auto, Super Mario Cart remain on shelf at Fort Hood PX Lil’ Wayne goes One-on-One with Wolf Blitzer Larry King Live Special tragedy coverage with panelists Nancy Grace, David Hasselhoff, Joan Collins

Tailgater of Terror Caught in the Middle of an NFC East Rivalry Sports psychologists: strain of being a Redskins fan in Cowboy country may have led to breakdown for former DC resident Jurgenson, Staubach team up for NFL sportsmanship pitch Skins fans fear backlash Special “Outside the Lines” interview with NFL Commissioner Goodell: “this is precisely why we banned Limbaugh”

Nidal “Ozriel” Hassan: tormented by popular kids ‘Ozriel’: Portrait of a Bullies’ Target Another Columbine? Sensitive, artistic outsider said ostracized by Army jocks, “in crowd” Found solace in poetry, music, MySpace Weekend “EmoAid” benefit concert to raise awareness about at-risk youth, reunite CSN&Y

Junk food junkie? Twinkies Claim Another 13 Victims Hostess corporate spokesman defends controversial creme-filled sponge cake, but mounting scientific evidence links mass murder to unregulated transfats Witness: Hassan yelled “I want a candy bar” during spree Kraft, Kelloggs, Hersheys bracing for lawsuits Are you raising a potential Cereal Killer? Nutritionists show you how to cut your kids’ sugar intake to prevent another bloodbath

No Country For Old Men From Fort Hood to Waco to Dealey Plaza to Bush Compound, death is a way of life in the Lone Star State Statistic: Texas still lags in access to public broadcasting Download Morning Edition’s exclusive in-depth podcast, complete with mournful banjo dirge interlude

Lessons of Ft. Hood: Military Bases Need More Mental Health Professionals

Dear   BARACK OBAMA  :

Congratulations! On behalf of the selection committee, I am pleased to announce that you have been named a 2009 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, in recognition of your tireless efforts to   STRENGTHEN INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY AND COOPERATION    .

I am also pleased to tell you that as a winner, you have been pre-approved for membership in the Nobel Peace Player’s Club, offering exclusive money-saving benefits available only to laureates like you. Please take a few minutes to look over the enclosed enrollment materials. At only $299.95 per year, I’m sure you’ll agree that membership is a bargain at twice the price! Here are just some of the benefits you’ll receive:

• A handsome 14-karat gold membership crest badge to display proudly on the grille of your limousine or official state aircraft
• A framed, hand-calligraphed certificate (add $19.95 for gold leaf)
• Special discount shopping bargains for for you and your family
• Great travel packages to the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro
• Listing in “Who’s Who of Global Salvation” ($49.95 per copy)
• Great coupons for Olive Garden, P.F. Chang’s, Six Flags Theme Parks, and more!

Plus, you’ll receive the exclusive Nobel Peace Player’s Club GoldCard entitling you to discount air travel and 5-star hotel accommodations from Kyoto to Darfur. But don’t take our word for it! Listen to these testimonials from some of our current members:

“My career as an international peace activist means lots of air travel — and dealing with pushy Zionists and rude natives. With my Nobel Peace Player’s Club GoldCard, I finally get the respect I deserve – and it makes getting through Gaza airport security a snap!”
– Jimmy Carter, 2002 Laureate

“Whether we’re patrolling the Congo, Sudan, or Bosnia, one thing’s for sure — chicks can’t resist a Nobel Peace Prize Player!”
– United Nations Peacekeeping Forces, 1988 Winners

“My Players Club GoldCard lets me treat my friends and family to great perks.”
– Kofi Annan, 2001 Laureate

“I’m a take-action kind of guy. Whenever I fly to Tehran or Pyongyang, the first thing I pack is my Players GoldCard.”
– Mohamed ElBaradei (2005)

“I have to write a lot of honorary doctorate acceptance speeches, and writer’s block can be a problem. With the Player’s GoldCard I got great discounts at TermPapersLab.com!”
– Rigoberta Menchu (1992)

“The Player’s Club GoldCard is recognized everywhere — even in hell! I redeemed my Players GoldPoints at Club Satan for an exciting eternity of getting pounded up the ass. Thanks, NobelCo!”
– Yasser Arafat (1994)

“Don’t miss the boat like I did, comrade! I forgot to enroll, and now I’m spending eternity pounding Yasser Arafat up the ass.”
– Le Duc Tho (1973)

So what are you waiting for,    BARACK OBAMA  ? Enroll today and start enjoying the privileges of membership. Enroll today, and we’ll throw in a deluxe leather bound CIA intelligence report worth $1000!

Sincerely,

Ůmläut Ťïldëqvist, Chairman
The Nobel Peace Player’s Club Selection Committee

As a renowned collector of dumpster art and pork industry commemorative plates, I made a solemn vow to myself: this injustice will not stand. If these radicals are allowed to bring down the NEA’s Assistant Liaison for Art Community Outreach — for merely organizing an innocent devotional art program — who is next on their dangerous anti-culture agenda? The NEA Undersecretary for Public Engagement? Western Civilization itself?

No, my friends, the stakes are too high. We in the Arts community must confront these vulgarian bullies and let them know that ART WILL NOT BE SILENCED. To show my personal commitment to this important cause, last night I dug deep into my kid’s sock drawer and found $33.18, which I am now fully dedicating to an endowment to fund creative art aimed at promoting me and my agenda. 

David Burge (2009): Still Life With Dumpster Paintings, Schlitz, and Grant Money. 

As a member of the trend-setting art community, you are probably asking yourself: how do I get me that sweet-ass grant money? The answer is simple — submit your original creative work in the Iowahawk Endowment for the Art’s $33.18 Steel Cage Art Death Match.

GRANT CONTEST RULES

Like the NEA, I’m not picky about what constitutes art. Use your creativity! Paintings, poetry, outhouse graffiti, sea shanties, macaroni arrangements, mime, interpretive dance, drum circles, chanting choirs of third graders, it’s all cool. The only guideline is that your art must promote unswerving blind allegiance to me, and all that I represent.

Once you have completed your masterpiece, submit the relevant picture or video via email (along with your description) with the subject line “Art Contest.” All entries will be feature it on an upcoming post, where they will be closely scrutinized for artistic merit by multi-hundreds of discerning Iowahawk readers around the galaxy.

Don’t delay! Deadline for entries is Sunday October 4. On Monday October 5, I will post a poll for readers to vote on their favorite piece. Voting ends Friday October 9, and the winner will receive the coveted $33.18 Grand Prize.

Good luck to everyone! But let’s remember that, no matter the outcome, the real winner in this competition will be America. Especially my kid, when he realizes that the 33 bucks he was going to waste on a stupid Xbox game helped save our culture.

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your easels!

It’s true — U.S. government demand for art and art-like products has never been higher! Uncle Sam and the good folks at the National Endowment for the Arts are on the lookout for go-getting, obedient artists like you for a fast-paced career in state propaganda. With the quick and easy Federal Art Instruction Institute course, now you too can get a first class ticket on the federal art gravy train!

Tell Me More!

From heath care to the economy to the environment, Washington has become infested with pesky state enemies who are clogging up the legislative pipeline and making life miserable for our cool, art-loving president. That’s why he has ordered the NEA to fund obsequious bohemians to help him exterminate the competition and drive traffic to his hip new website Servile.gov. The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you how to get off funemployment and on the payroll of this exciting $3.6 trillion growth industry!

How can the Federal Art Instruction Institute help me?

Unlike traditional art schools, the Federal Art Instruction Institute doesn’t waste your time on boring Post-Modernist theory, messy bodily fluids, or painful self mutilation. With our easy-to-learn program you will quickly learn how to channel your natural artistic ability and suburban self-loathing at state enemies who, when you think about it, are a lot like your parents.

Can you draw triangles? The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you the easy way to turn them into Ku Klux Klan hoods. Turn them upside down and they become scary vampire fangs! Even a simple black rectangle can become a Hitler mustache with our easy to learn methods.

Our award winning studio instructors includes some of the top young professional kowtowers, bumnuzzlers and bootlicks working in the government art field today — people like Buffy Wicks, Yosi Sergant and Michael Skolnik. They will keep you up to date on all the hot new policy trends and enemy lists, and what your patrons at the NEA need you to do about it. Using tried and true traditional art techniques from Cuba, Germany and central Asia, they will teach you how to pick the target, freeze it, personalize it, and polarize it — for big cash prizes!   

I’m skeptical. Do you have previous success stories?

And how! Just read these testimonials from FAII graduates:

“I made over $1 million in my first year, and all I had to do was obey! Thanks, Federal Art Instruction Institute!”
– S. Fairey, Los Angeles, Calif.

“As a cutting edge visual artist, I had a natural aptitude for political servility and blind hatred. The Federal Art Instruction Institute showed me how to turn it into a solid government career with great benefits!”
– J. Greenberg, New York, N.Y.

“The Federal Art Instruction Institute showed us how to win big government contracts for our failing business. This program was a lifesaver!”
–The two hipster assholes from SaraPalinIsAC**tTShirts.com

But I can’t draw. Can I still take advantage of this exciting program?

No problem! Thanks to new NEA guidelines, anybody can be an artist! Are you a musician? filmmaker? Web designer? Guerrilla marketer? Graffiti tagger? HopCore ElectroChill DJ? Freelance vandal? Whatever your mode of expressive behavior the NEA has a sweet load of grant money waiting — and qualifying has never been easier!  Do you have –

• an ironic trucker hat?
• ironic facial hair?
• ironic douchebag glasses?
• a vocabulary that includes “bringing utilities” and “mindspace”?
• deep insecurities about your place in the art world hipster food chain?
• a slavish desire to do the bidding of your government?
• no idea what “ironic” really means?

Can you –

• Follow orders?
• Take a hint?
• Maintain plausible deniability?
• Keep your mouth shut?

Then you just might qualify as a student in one of FAII’s prestigious secret conference call classrooms! 

Sounds too good to be true! What’s the catch?

No catch, but enrollment is limited. So don’t delay, write today for your free talent and obedience test and see if you have what it takes to be a professional in the new art capital of the world — Washington, D.C.!

Remember — The U.S. Art-my Wants You! 

MR. SMIRNOV:  Hello everybodies! Who we gots on the phones here?

MR. KIETH:  Toby Keith. Built Ford Tough.

MR. SMIRNOV:  Hokay, buddy!

MRS. BURGE:  Beverly Burge, Ocelot, Iowa. I do scrapbooking.

OAK RIDGE BOYS:  Howdy! We’re the Oak Ridge Boys!

MR. SMIRNOV:  Alrights, Branson in da house!

MR. HANEY:  Lester Haney, Sepulpa, Oklahoma.

MR. SMIRNOV:  Hey everybodies, I don’ts know if you see Lester Haney’s work, but he does some of the most beautiful chainsaw stump sculptures Yakov ever sees.

MR. HANEY:  Thank you.

MR. SMIRNOV:  I know you gots a gallery opening tonights at the I-35 Truck Haven in Wynnewood, so let’s move on. Who else joining us?

MRS. COHEN:    Sylvia Cohen, Boca Raton Florida. Driftwood and sea shell arrangements.

MS. CZARNOSKI:  Rhonda Czarnoski, McKeesport, PA. Victorian dolls.

MR. NEWTON:  Wayne Newton, entertainer, Las Vegas Nevada.

MR. SMIRNOV:  Tanks very much for yous to be here Wayne!

MR. NEWTON:  Danke schoene. Darling, danke schoen. thank you foooor all the joy and pain. Picture showwwwws, second balcony, was the place we’d meet, second seat, go Dutch treat, you were sweet…

MR. SMIRNOV:  Hokay, that’s enough Wayne. Who else?

MR. GREENWOOD: Lee Greenwood, and I’m proud to be in Bransonnnnn, where at least I know I’m free….

MR. SMIRNOV:  And the buffets are half price before 6! Who else?

MR. SCHMITKE:  Cody Schmitke. I’m a conceptual garden gnome-ist in New Braunfels, Texas.

MR. TABUCHI:  I am Shoji! I am much honor to also be in Branson America, Smirnov-san!

BALDKNOBBERS: Howdy y’all! We’re the Baldknobbers Jamboree!  Nyuk!

MR. SMIRNOV:  Hokay, it looks like we gots everybodies on the telephone.

OAK RIDGE BOYS:  Elvira, dohmp dohmp dohmp Elvira…

MR. SMIRNOV:  Oak Ridge boys, can you puts the phone on mute? Hey, in Russia, phone mutes you! Henghenghenhgg Hokay, now is time to stop for the jokings. For all yous on the phone I am Yakov Smirnov, and I am comedy artist escape from Russia. Now the President Bush he is making me the deputy outreach coordinator for the Nationals Endowments for the Art. What a country! This is why I make this phones call with all of you today. You are all very very important buddies from the Arts community and the Crafts community and the Vegas Lounge and Branson community. Is my job to lets you buddies know how much Mr. President Bush think you doing important Arts and shows. Is totally awesome!

MR. HANEY’S CHAINSAW:  vrrruuppp vruupppa winggadinggg vvvvwiiing wiiiiiiiiing

MR. SMIRNOV:  Mr. Haney, you put chainsaw on mutes, hokay? Now like Yakov say, Mr. President he is like many things you do with the lawn ornaments and needlepoints and like thats. But he knows is tough out theres for the Arts people and sometimes yous have to do two buffet shows every day to make the ends meet.  So he say, hey! How abouts that Nationals Art Endowments? It gots plenty money for my buddies. So he say, Yakov get my buddies together and talks about how they can go do the Art things for service to me. Oops, I mean America!

MS. CZARNOSKI:  Speaking as an artist, I would first like to say, what’s my cut?

MR. SMIRNOV:  Is very good question. Is very much sliding scale depending how much service yous do for Mr. Bush. I mean America community. Mister Bush he sees many places where is good for Art. Here is to explain Mr. good buddy vice president Dick Cheney.

MR. CHENEY: Hello everyone and thank you Yakov. I would like to say…

MR. SMIRNOV:  Please not to shoots me, Mr. Vice Presidents!

MR. CHENEY:

MR. SMIRNOV:  hhenng heh… heee…

MR. CHENEY:

MR. SMIRNOV:  uh… Yakov make bad joke. Please Cheney buddy, Yakov sorry.

MR. CHENEY:    As I was saying, the President and I believe the Hillbilly Arts and Entertainment community can play a crucial role in moving our country, and the political debate forward. Whether your home base is Branson or Myrtle Beach or Laughlin, whether your art is wind chimes or plywood ducks, all of you can leverage your talents to address the plight the GOP community. While winning valuable federal prizes! For example, let’s say you’re playing the weekend buffet show at an Indian bingo casino. Why not slip in a positive plug for Halliburton, or a zinger against Nancy Pelosi? I’m sure we Yakov here can find some NEA grant money to cover that as performance art. Another example — do we have any garden gnome-ists on the call?

MR. SCHMITKE:  Yes.

MR. CHENEY:    Great. You all know we are trying to grow support behind the surge in Iraq. Let’s say you wanted to illustrate this with an NEA grant to put a “surge” of 25,000 garden gnomes on the Capitol Hill lawn. Ka-ching, ka-ching ka-ching. That’s just the beginning. I encourage all of you to think about what you can do to support the President through your own individual creative medium, whether it is celebrity impersonation or macrame or welding whimsical mailbox stickmen.

MR. SMIRNOV:  Hokey dokey. Any questions?

MRS. COHEN:   Sylvia Cohen here. I guess I have two questions — one, is this art, and two, is this legal?

MR. CHENEY:   Jesus Christ, those have to be the two stupidest questions I have heard since the 2000 vice presidential debate. Jeez, do I really have to explain this to you? Of course it’s legal, you idiot! Because it’s art. And it’s art because, well, what the hell isn’t? That’s the beauty of the whole NEA system. According to the manual… what exactly does it say, Smirnov?

MR. SMIRNOV:  Let’s see… “art includes the expressive behaviors of ordinary people.”

MR. CHENEY:   Exactly, expressive behaviors. And isn’t that what you morons do? You just happen to express yourself with bead-dazzlers and lounge music. So what? Jeez, do you know how much money the NEA shells out on ‘expressive behaviors’ made from smeared poop? For your information, it subsidizes more manure than the USDA. Hell, if it wasn’t for the PR problems I would’ve asked for an NEA grant for shooting that guy in the face. So stop this silly crap about calling yourselves ’singers’ and ‘entertainers’ and ‘doll collectors.’ You are ARTISTS, kapiche?

MR. SMIRNOV:  Hokay, time for one last question.

MRS. BURGE:   Beverly Burge. I’m a scrapbooker myself, but I was wondering if this program paid for writers.

MR. CHENEY:   I dunno, I suppose. Why?

MRS. BURGE:   Well, my son David writes, and needs some money, so I thought…

MR. CHENEY:   Oh. That guy. Sorry, I don’t think we can push the standards that low.

Good morning! Did you have a restful sleep? Yes, I know it’s 3 AM, I just thought… well, the whole orderly staff thought a little early morning air would do you some good after all that commotion yesterday. I have to say you’re a pretty feisty old gal for 86!

How’s that?

You’re 78?

Still, you should really take better care of yourself. Just look at those bags under your eyes! You’re no spring chicken and all that protesting just causes stress. Here, why don’t we wheel you over to the balcony so you can get some of that fresh healthful air.

Yes, I know it’s cold. But look at the spectacular 14th story view! A clear night sky full of stars, and if you lean over the railing you can see all the way down to the empty parking lot. Just like the Ferris Wheel at the 1892 World’s Fair, back when you were a little girl.

Now if I can just unlatch this… stupid… mmmp… sliding… mmph… door. Crap.

Oops! Sorry Mrs. Petrowski, pardon my French. It’s just that I was looking forward to the two of us having a nice friendly chat out there. Let me see if I call get somebody in maintenance to open it for us.

*szkrittchh*

Hi, this is Barack, the night orderly on 14. Can I get someone up here to open the balcony door in 1417? Patient Laverne Petrowski. P-E-T-R…

huh? but… okay, well then what time does his shift start?

8 am? Oh come on man, do you know how many people are in the parking lot at that time of the… okay, okay. Whatever.

*szkrittchh*

Sorry Mrs. Petrowski. With all these budget cuts and strikes, it looks like we had to cut the third shift maintenance crew. Say, how about we take you for a ride down to the cafeteria? It’s almost empty this time of day, and I bet they have that green jello you love so much. Mmm… num, num, num!

Please, Mrs. Petrowski, put down the phone. The other patients are all asleep. Besides, after that incident yesterday, you know we had to unplug it. You remember how agitated you made everybody with those crazy stories about “death panels” and what not. Remember when I was giving you the sedatives, and I explained that your mind was playing tricks on you? And how those nice men were only End-of-Life Quality Assurance Counselors?

*ding*

Okay! Elevator’s here! Next stop, bottom floor, cafeteria… aaaand… therrrre’s…

*swiiip*

a goddamn elevator car in the shaft.

sigh.

Alright, whatever. Let’s get on.

*swiiip*

Now that we’re in private, can I trust you with something Mrs. Petrowski? We just got a top secret telegraph from the War Department, and it turns out those “death panel” rumors are the work of Nazi saboteurs. And Tojo. Now, I know a patriotic gal like yourself doesn’t want to be an Axis dupe, do you? Of course not. Remember, loose lips sink ships. Think about our brave GIs fighting the Japs and Huns. If you hear Tokyo Rose or those other radio fifth columnists spreading those kind of rumors, you tell me first, okay? I’ll get the word straight to President Roosevelt and General McArthur, so ixnay on the eath-day anels-pay.

*ding*

*swiiip*

Okay, watch that doorway bump.

Mrs. Petrowski! Back in the chair, please. Am I going to have to strap you in there again? You know your hip is in no condition to be walking around on your own. Yes, I know. But we both know the committee said a hip replacement was a waste of resources for somebody like you, up in her nineties.

Alright, alright, 78. But the point is, it’s important that the hospital uses its resources wisely to contain unnecessary cost. That way we can make sure we have rooms for everybody, and still pay a living wage to our dedicated staff. Like Frank here.

Hi Frank! How do you like that new floor waxer? Umm… by the way, did you get my note about the new late night elevator procedure thing?

That Frank’s sure a great guy, Mrs. Petrowski. Salt of the earth. Just got elected to the SEIU bargaining committee. Anyway, like I was saying, it’s important for the hospital to keep a lid on costs. Instead of complaining, you should really count your blessings. After all, you’ve got that nice private room up on 14, all to yourself, with a balcony. Even if the door isn’t working. I’m guessing we could fit, oh, I don’t know, at least three or four patients in that room. Easy. I mean, after you’re gone, of course.

Hi Kathy! How’s our favorite cafeteria lady? This is Mrs. Petrowski, the patient I told you about.

Mmhm, yes, that was quite a ruckus she caused yesterday! Say, how about fixing up a plate of your special green jello for Mrs. Petrowski? Yes, the kind with the mandarin oranges and the uh, other stuff.

It’ll be just a minute Mrs. Petrowski, Kathy’s gonna make some up special, just for you. Let’s see… that’s $18.95 with tax. I’ll grab a twenty out of your purse and put the change back in. What say we grab that empty table over there.

I have to say, I really enjoy these health care conversations of ours. The best part of being an orderly is talking to old people like you, up in their 90’s and 100’s.

Right, 78. But let’s face it, Mrs. Petrowski, that puts you right up there at the average American life expectancy. So, hey, I guess you could say you’re already living on borrowed time. There’s just something extremely fascinating and wise and selfless about folks like you, so very close to the sweet release of death. Ah! Here comes Kathy with your jello.

Okay, let’s open wide for the nummy jello! Num num num! Here it comes! Here comes the choo choo train! Choo choo! Now Mrs. Petrowski, if you don’t stop fussing like that the jello train will never get to the station. Now let’s open wide, turn your head this way… no, no, this way, and…

sigh.

Okay, fine, you don’t want your jello. Boy, if I didn’t know better I’d think you were skipping your sedatives.

You’re a Christian, aren’t you, Mrs. Petrowski? Me too. I guess my favorite part of the Bible is where it talks about how we all get our allotted “three score and ten.” Seventy years, right there in the Bible. And you are, now what was it, 83?

Okay, 78. Still, that’s what, eight years over your biblical limit? That’s one amazing overtime run you’re having, I’d say. Almost unnatural. In fact, I was just mentioning you to a bunch of the people on the hospital waiting list the other day, and they were as amazed as me. Still, with all the relentless hip pain and sleepless nights like this, I can only imagine how much you long for the eternal embrace of Jesus. Sure you won’t have a little jello?

Just a bite?

sigh.

Okay, have it your way. Let’s get you back to your room, maybe they’ll have the balcony door fixed later today.

You know, we on the staff are just worried about your state of mind, what with all your outbursts and disinterest in jello. I imagine it must be very lonely for you, with your husband all your friends up there waiting in heaven. God, too. I’d like you to think of the hospital as God’s partner. And here on God’s team we just want you to know you have options. They’re all here in this brochure.

By the way, I noticed from the accounting report that you and your husband saved up quite a little nest egg there. I’m sure it must be a comfort to you that your children and grandchildren will be well cared for, even after the estate taxes. Whenever that day comes, of course.

*ding*

Hey, I just remembered! I think the roof is unlocked. How about we go up there for a look?

Mrs. Petrowski!

You shouldn’t run on your bad hip like that!

Mrs. Petrowski!

Greetings citizen! By now you may have heard scattered rumors of state and party officials encountering reactionary resistors at local health care reform information programs. Do not be alarmed, for our 5-year plan for citizen health proceeds without delay. Remain stalwart! The truth can be told at last, that these so-called “protests” are merely the desperate rear flank mob actions of dead-end bandits and saboteurs in the pay of enemy insurance agents.

Pay them no heed, for these outside agitators in no way represent any threat to our great patriotic push forward for increased citizen heathfulness! These well-dressed prep school gangsters of reaction seek only to frighten and demoralize and intimidate you, with their confusing “facts” and hob-nailed Sperry Topsiders. Unfortunately they are joined in conspiracy by a well-financed network of unlicensed blogs and talk radio traitors, who exaggerate their numbers and percolate disinformation — even cleverly staged YouTube videos of an impostor President Obama saying “quotes”!

Remain strong, citizen, for the day of their comeuppance is near! Patriotic spontaneous volunteers from MoveOn.org, Organizing For America, HCAN, SEIU, AFSCME, ACORN, NPR, and MSNBC have all pledged independent grassroots efforts to spread the word about the health-hating tricksters and their transparent astroturf agitation campaign!

You too can help by remaining ever-vigilant for health traitors in your local sectors. But beware: though small in number the state health reform enemy is clever, and well trained in subterfuge and disguise by his monopolist paymasters. Your job is to recognize his signs, and report any fishy-seeming protest or blog activities to me or other official authorities within the Health Care Truth Ministry. Here is a visual training course to help you in the execution of this important patriotic duty.

At the Health Care Town Hall

We have taken great care to insure that the site and times of local sector health care town hall meetings are known only to a specially-selected cross section of ordinary grateful citizens and responsible media outlets. Yet, in some cases, saboteur mobs have infiltrated and ruined the 11 PM news footage. Until we can find the fifth columnists who are leaking this classified information, it is important that you alert security forces to possible organized infiltrators before they enter the building and disrupt the applause sign schedule. Please study the following photos:

Here we see typical everyday hometown American citizens freely expressing their spontaneous health care opinions in an uncoordinated manner. Note the fine grassroots sanserif display font typography of their signs, spontaneously designed for maximum television legibility. Note that these citizens have coincidentally chosen their signage to color-match with their t-shirts. This will help independent grassroots organization leaders locate the citizens to distribute town hall seat assignments and bus departure schedules. You may also note that these hometown neighbors are carrying spontaneous chant cards.

Truly, this is Democracy in action. By contrast, let’s look at this set of photos:

Behold the face of infiltrators and saboteurs, citizen! Look at the surly anti-American anger and carefully practiced dishevelment. Note that their signs are scrawled, fiendishly tricking cameramen into closeups. All are expertly handmade, an expensive graphic design luxury only affordable to their puppet masters in the drug and insurance cartels. Note these mobs are so well paid for their agitation that they actually arrived in their own cars and expensive non-matching t-shirts. Fishy? You bet! Report them at once!

Online

Spotting potential health care traitors online at first seems trickier than in person, until you remember that behind every opponent site lies a web of anti-patriotic conspirators. Often these sites will mask their treachery behind a clever veneer of “sarcasm” and “CBO data.” A careful Google Image Search may be helpful in determining his true loyalties. First consider this photo of a random blogger.

Note how gaily he smiles behind the wheel of his decadent sporting-car, an obvious bauble provided by his oligarch masters in the pharmaceutical and blender industries. “Whee!” he seems to sing, blissfully ignorant to the plight his 47 million uninsured co-citizens. Calm your rage at his heartless insolence citizen — his tune will soon change!

And what of this blogger?

The days of your deviltry are numbered, well-dressed running-dog lackey of gangster insurance plutocrats! You and your $250 suit are now entered into our monitoring data base!

In addition to reporting suspected health care blogoteurs, it is important to remind your fellow citizens to practice “safe surfing” when looking for health care reform information. Links to approved, citizen-driven, spontaneous grassroots websites can be found at Organizing for America, Health Care for America Now!, and ACORN. Until further notice, all other health care opinions are considered hostile disinformation from highly coordinated state enemies!

In Your Home Sector

Rooting out the deceptive web of anti-health propagandists must not only take place at our town halls and on line. If we are to defeat the forces of reaction, we must expose and isolate these sinister elements in all local sectors. Be alert and report all telltale signs of membership in secret Republican cabals: elite extremist plutocrats…

Extreme Texans…

religious extremists…

Southern gun extremist…

and extreme religious gun extremists.

All are potentially dangerous, so report first and do not try to confront. Most of all, keep your eyes alert for the most diabolical cabal standing in the way of our great push forward for your health!

That is all, citizen! Remain steadfast in your grassroots vigilance, and a healthy tomorrow will be yours!

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THE UNITED STATES BUREAU OF JOLLITY AND HUMOR ADMINISTRATION
EVERETT DIRKSEN FEDERAL MERRIMENT CENTER
3000 JAMES EARL CARTER PARKWAY SOUTH
WASHINGTON, DC

FORM US/BJHA-1106(d) : AARA Budget Procurement Code LOL-431[ROFL]

APPLICATION FOR HUMOR CONSULTANT / CONTRACTOR

This space for official use

SYNOPSIS:

The purpose of this announcement is to seek qualified private contractors to provide amusement and humor-related services to career employees within a wide range of federal agencies, including but not limited to the Treasury Department, Department of Education, The US Census Bureau, and USDA Mohair Subsidization Board. Winning applicant(s) shall perform presentation program demonstrating mirth as defined herein and in BJHA document (k)670-110, “FY 2009 Federal Levity Handbook.” In particular, guidelines specify services rendered by applicants shall be funny “ha-ha,” not funny “peculiar.” 

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE:

Recent studies have shown that appropriate levels of workplace humor and supervised jokery provides organizational benefits in areas of employee stress reduction, enhancement of communication flow, and greater regulatory throughput metrics (BHJA document C-11-k.101.t). Two year implementation of described program is forecast by analysis staff to reduce federal employee stress and random murder sprees by 14% over FY2009 benchmarks.

ADDENDUM: pursuant to EO guideline [6.09(vt)-5], explanation of solicitation of bids from outside contractor 

Understaffing; current Undersecretary for Mirth Training Affairs on administrative leave until completion of murder spree trial.

DATE(S) OF CONTRACT: 10-01-09 : 09-30-11

SOURCE(S) OF FUNDS: AARA section 351(t), National Humor Recover and Funnybone Stimulus Fund

Read and fill out all sections as completely as possible. Write legibly in black ink or fixed width font not to exceed pica 10 pitch. Mail 3 (three) completed application to the BHJA, attn: Office of Jocularity Assessment.

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You can read the rest of this post here.

For weeks after, we reenacted that “one small step for man” from our backyard tree house, descending the steps in Super-Slo-Mo onto the lunar crabgrass. Then we bounded out in search of our dog Buster’s steaming “moon rocks” for “moon rock fights.” Eventually Dad would yell at us to get out the moon-mower, but it did little to dent our enthusiasm for space exploration. Maybe it was just the model airplane glue talking, but for that brief moment we actually believed we were Armstrong and Aldrin and Collins. But did I ever get to be Armstrong? No-o-o-o, Dave, you stupid baby, you have to be Collins. Shut up and orbit in the tree house while we drive around in the moon buggy. Sometimes if my brother had his stupid 5th grade friends over they would make me be Walter Cronkite or Jules Bergman and do the news report with Mom’s hairbrush.

Our moonwalk fever lasted for several weeks, until Dad took us to see the Joie Chitwood Auto Thrill Show at the Woodbury County Fair in Moville. Afterwards we got out our Stingrays and re-enacted those historic ramp jumps and T-bone crashes with our brave friends, like the late legendary 4th grade daredevil Marty Snitker. But nothing would ever again stoke our fantasies and imaginations like Apollo 11. Okay, maybe Lori Culbertson showing up to school in a halter top in ‘74.

Today, America still has a space effort, but sadly it just doesn’t inspire like it once did in the heady days of Apollo and Gemini. Unmanned probes and orbiting space labs are fine, I guess, but where is the glamor? Where are the crewcut astronaut he-men with names like ‘Deke’ and ‘Buzz’ and ‘Gus,’ driving around Houston in matching big block Corvettes and Ray-Bans? Nowhere, that’s where. They’ve all been outsourced by space computers and floaty-haired National Junior High Science Teacher of the Year nerds. You tell me — do we really want dorks like these as Earth’s first line of defense against invading intergalactic aliens? No wonder my brother and I have to be half-blotto before we play pretend astronauts anymore.

If America wants to get back on the right track, scientific space mission-wise, we need to once again pick an inspiring, audacious goal, and man it with the kind of inspirational crew to make it happen. At long last, let us realize mankind’s most cherished dream — sending the entire United States Congress to the Moon by 2010.

When I mention this proposal to my space engineering friends at Meier’s Tap, they are often skeptical. They’ll argue it’s impossible, that even NASA’s most powerful booster rockets never anticipated a payload of 535 people including Charlie Rangel and Jerrold Nadler. Look man, I’m just the idea guy, and I’m sure those details can be worked out. When John F. Kennedy first proposed going to the Moon in 1961, did you people expect him to already have a formula for Tang? The beauty of my proposal is that our Astro-Congress is already on payroll — and chock full of crisis tested problem-solving engineers. If they can take over the entire US auto industry and re-engineer the American heath care system in two weeks, surviving a Moon mission will be a snap!

Yes, there are potential risks. Especially with Chief Flight Engineer Ted Kennedy at the controls. But did fear of the unknown stop Lewis and Clark? Did a couple of minor impalings scare us away from playing Lawn Darts? If Congress is going to be a bunch of sissies about it, I guess we could start out with a test flight of Astro-Congress test chimpanzees. When they splash down safely, we can then send up the real Congress, while their replacement chimpanzees debate pressing national legislative issues. As for Congressmen who still refuse to join the mission, I have one word: chloroform.

Make no mistake, my proposal is not some crazy pie-in-the-sky “because it is there” stunt. Just as the Apollo mission resulted in Teflon and freeze-dried ice cream and finding my dad’s stash of Playboys, my Moon Congress project will result in scientific knowledge and concrete benefits for all mankind. For example, we will learn how high-mass continuing resolutions and earmarks react to extreme low-G conditions, and whether the Moon Congress will use seniority to decide seats on the cannibalization subcommittee. Who knows? Our brave Astro-Representatives and Senators may even encounter friendly Moon creatures who will help them adapt to the harsh lunar fundraising environment.

If this mission is successful — and I am confident it will be — it will pave the way for further bold manned missions to the stars. It will be important that our marooned Moon Congress gets the press coverage it needs, so we should begin working immediately for a follow-up launch of the one-way Moon Media Shuttle by mid-2010. This will result in improved chloroform technology that will help us in planning the 2011 Executive Branch on Mars mission, and the 2012 Supreme Court Venus probe. By 2013, we will be ready for our most audacious space goal yet — sending the entire Internal Revenue Service rocketing to the Black Hole of Antaraes.

Go ahead and accuse me of living in a utopian sci-fi dream world, but I believe that if we act now America’s families and its elected chimpanzees will soon gather around the Quasar console TV and cheer our triumphant return to the Final Frontier, once again inspiring a new generation of our kids to bold backyard space adventures. Just to be safe, I would probably change the locks on your liquor cabinets.

“I don’t care what the tabloids and the Wall Street Journal say,” said a weeping Illinois. “I still love you, Cali!”

The 640-mile long funeral parade route was lined with flowers, candles, teddy bears, and IOUs from millions of mourners and debtors who made the somber journey to watch the passing of the state that had once ruled the box office and industrial charts. Among them were current chart-toppers who cited California as a key influence.

“If it wasn’t for California, I wouldn’t be where I am today,” said Arizona of Westside 3, the popular Sunbelt trio who recently benefited from the late state’s generous gift of fleeing taxpayers and businesses. As a tribute to their mentor, Arizona vowed the group would start spending money “like crack-addled hip hop stars.”

“California’s financial and musical legacy will never die,” said band mates Nevada and Oregon.

At the official funeral service at the LA Coliseum, a grief stricken Washington, who teamed with California on several hit software and wine projects, had to be physically restrained from climbing into the deceased’s gold plated casket.

Similar emotional outpourings were the rule of the day. Stories – apocryphal or not – of the late state’s bizarre self-destructive behavior and fondness for molesting children did little to dampen the flood of tributes from fans who preferred to remember California as America’s Sweetheart.

From a humble beginning as a water-poor remote Spanish mission outpost, California proved to be a precocious and talented child performer. It struck gold with ‘Sutter’s Mill’ in 1849, earning accolades and attracting millions of crusty bearded prospectors. Black gold soon followed with ‘Arizona.’ Unlike many child acts, California made a smooth transition to adolescence, scoring a major hit with ‘Agriculture’ in 1891.

Even a frightening bout with tremors did not stop the flow of hits. The 1915 megasmash ‘Hollywood’ broke all records, as did the wartime favorite ‘Aerospace.’ More recently, California topped the charts with ‘Tourism,’ ‘High Tech,’ and ‘Coastal Pretension.’

For a time it seemed as if the superstar could do no wrong, but behind the glittering facade of Disneyland Manor troubling signs of mental instability began to emerge. The state developed a well-publicized drug problem during filming of 1967’s ‘Summer of Love,’ and briefly dabbled in strange religious cults. Under the influence of spiritual guru Jerry Brown, it began wholesale experimentation in exotic spending programs, eventual resulting in a traumatic 1979 stay at the Prop 13 Rehab Center.

During the 80’s and 90’s California enjoyed a brief career renaissance with hits like ‘Olympics,’ ‘Real Estate’ and ‘Dot Com Boom,’ but personal problems plagued the reclusive star once again. During the recording of the ‘OJ’ and ‘Rodney King’ albums, friends and visitors expressed concern over its recurring tremors and penchant for self-mutilation.

“California used to be so happy and beautiful,” said a horrified Ohio. “I hardly recognize it any more.”

During that period, camp insiders say the increasingly psychotic state began driving away its long time professional management team and support crew. In its place, it assembled an entourage of con men and embezzlers, some of who stoked California’s increasingly bizarre environmental paranoia. It was seldom seen in public without a breathing mask to ward off imagined pollutants.

Worse, the hits began drying up; the huge 2001 flop ‘Dot Com Bust’ put a huge crimp into California’s once unlimited cash flow. Despite the setback, insiders say the superstar was unwilling to change its lavish lifestyle, and retreated once again into spending abuse. Personal expenses skyrocketed, propelled in part by California’s eight million adopted foster children. During the 90’s sensationalistic accounts of child abuse began surfacing. Eyewitnesses reported California cruising local neighborhoods in school buses, luring unsuspecting kid for sessions of ‘public education.’ By some estimates hundreds of thousands were left traumatized and severely brain damaged.

The charges were vigorously denied by California camp spokestate Vermont.

“California loves children,” said Vermont. “California loves children, because deep inside California is a also a child — full of innocent wonder, and the belief that any budget wish can come true as long as you just wish hard enough.”

True or not, the charges alienated many longtime fans, leaving California in an ever-worsening financial position. In 2003 the state rejected suggestions that it was facing bankruptcy, saying that “I can’t be out of money, I still have checks left.” Amid the maelstrom, though, it fired tour manager Grey Davis who many blamed for California’s financial woes. In his place, California hired Arnold Schwarzenegger to help engineer a career-saving comeback tour.

Under the management of the flamboyant Austrian body builder / therapist, California began a rapid descent that ultimately ended in death. Some faulted Schwarzenegger’s unconventional therapeutic methods and prescription spending pills, including state pension steroids that some say were powerful enough to kill a Scandinavian industrial power. Schwarzenegger denied culpability, saying that his spending pills “help build de upper financial torso and lats, and deese other sings and so on.”

Despite the last minute financial maneuvers analysts say the state died penniless, owing creditors as much as $100 billion. Amid the swirling recriminations between California camp factions, fans chose to mark it’s passing quietly. Longtime California fan club president Iowa said that despite being the constant butt of the Golden State’s insults and jokes, it will remember the late superstar fondly.

“Let’s not remember California as a bloated, rotting freakshow corpse hanging above a filthy public pension toilet,” it said. “Let’s remember the good times. Like my six-day bender at the ‘91 Rose Bowl.”

“California’s pain is finally over, and I like to think that the whole state is going to a better place,” Iowa added. “Just look at all those U-Hauls headed to Oklahoma.”