Say ‘ello to my leetle fren’:
axe confiscated in border
rawk-out 

WASHINGTON – Today’s uncovering of secret multi-agency program for shipping illegal Gibson guitars to Mexican drug cartels left red-faced officials of the U.S. Department of Justice scrambling for an explanation amid angry calls for a Congressional investigation.

“I have ordered all agency personnel to fully cooperate in any Congressional inquiries, including all reasonable document request, as soon as we can redact them with Sharpie pens and lighter fluid,” said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder.

The secret program came to light early this morning in the border town of Nogales, Arizona, after what was described as a wild battle of the bands between members of the Sinaloa cartel and Los Zetas, two of Mexico’s most notorious violent drug gangs.

“Usually these guys are armed with Mexican Strats and Squires, Epiphones, small caliber stuff like that,” said Pedro Ochoa, 36, an eye witness to the sonic melee. “This time they were packing the heavy firepower.”

The steady barrage of power chords and piercing solo attacks attracted the attention of nearby U.S. Border Patrol agents, who arrived at the scene just as Los Zetas broke into Led Zeppelin’s ‘Immigrant Song.’ By the time the dust had cleared, U.S. Border Patrol Agent Oscar Jimenez was found in a catatonic state of headbanging. He was later flown to University of Arizona Hospitals, where his condition is listed as seriously rawked.

(more…)

Jim Treacher reports that former child actor (and pride of the Evanston Township HS English Department) John Cusack has discovered the joys of Twitter, with somewhat predictable results.

Crueler folks have already analyzed Mr. Cusack’s 140-character musings and theorized the poor fellow has finally cracked under the pressure of living in the shadow of his more popular and talented sibling Joan; a clear misdiagnosis, in my opinion, as these armchair psychologists understand neither method acting nor the inner workings of the film industry. Rather than a cry for help, any fool can see that Mr. Cusack’s curious tweeting is a cleverly disguised request for new script pitches from Hollywood writing professionals. Like myself.

Well, this is one aspiring screen scribe who knows an opportunity when he sees one! So I quick put together a few sure-fire plot treatments designed at relaunching Mr. Cusack’s moribund career. Synopses below.

And John, if you’re reading this? My option (and spell-checking) fees are very reasonable. Let’s do lunch. (more…)

Obama’s Eleven (Scene 1: Framed from the back, bathed in the glaring kleig lights, a lonely lounge crooner stands at a microphone with a trenchcoat slung over his shoulder.)

VOICE-OVER
This is it. The big time. The main room at Uncle Sam’s Capitol Dome Casino. It took 20 years working every fleabag state bar and legislative lounge from Cambridge to Hyde Park, but now this singer is finally grabbing that little ol’ brass ring they call stardom.

That overnight sensation belting out the State of Union? None other than me, Barry Obama. Just a scrappy skinny kid from the mean streets of Honolulu with a silky baritone and a pocketful of dreams. Now I’ve got those high rollers eating straight from the ever-lovin’ palm of my hand. Little do they know I’ve got another dream — the craziest heist the D.C. strip has ever seen.

BARRY

Spend me to the moon, and let me play around with TARP,
Give the folks some stimulus so they can all buy cars.
In other words, cut the debt.
In other words, fiscal re-spons-i-bility.

Yeah!

Appropriate that cash, just like you’re Johnny Maynard Keynes,
We need jobs and health care and some light rail urban trains,
In other words, tighten belts.
In other words, ef-fic-i-ency.

Spend meeeeeee (hit it boys) to the moooo-oooo-oooooon!

Look-out-Old-Barry’s-back!

(Crowd cheers) (more…)

(with deep apologies to Frank Capra)

**************

Scene 14: Christmas Eve, inside Bedford Falls Town Hall. Senator George Bailey confronts an angry mob of constituents protesting his vote on the new health care bill.
MAN #1
Come on Bailey, you can’t hide forever! Let us in!

WOMAN #1
Yeah, what is this mandatory insurance nonsense? Stop cowering behind that podium George! We want answers!

crowd erupts into shouting

GEORGE BAILEY
Now now now, everybody calm down, see? If you’ll, well, see, just let me explain…

MAN #2
You should’ve explained these death panels before we elected you! Let’s get ‘em! (more…)

Narrator

Our very planet depends on them. Yet they remain nature’s most elusive scientific species, inhabiting some of the world’s most delicate and daunting academic environments. But thanks to new breakthroughs in high speed cameras and email files, metascientists are finally beginning to understand their mysterious behaviors and complex social interactions. Tonight on Iowahawk Geographic: step inside the Secret Life of the Climate Researchers.

French Horn Fanfare Theme

Fast-cut montage of walrus mating with polar bear, astronomer peering through telescope into neighbor’s window, cheetahs chasing penguins on the Serengeti, scientists filling out NSF grant proposals

Dah dat dat DAAAH dat, dah daht duh dah dee-dah dee dah-dah!

Narrator

This is the University of East Anglia in the United Kingdom, home of one of the largest nesting populations of climate scientists in Europe.

Gentle ant’s-eye scene of idyllic campus lawn, strewn about with drunken mating undergraduates

Each year it attracts magnificent migratory flocks of graduate students, adjuncts and visiting faculty from across the northern hemisphere.

Shots of jumbo jets landing at Heathrow; herds of climate researchers busily milling at Duty Free shops, retrieving baggage, phoning for prearranged limo service

Within minutes of arriving on campus, the migratory researchers approach the entrance of the Climate Research Unit and perform the secret credential dance, fiercely displaying their prominent curriculum vitae. This signals to the security drone that they can be trusted with the sacred electronic lanyard badge that will grant them entrance to the hive’s inner sanctum.   (more…)

Nidal “Gary” Hassan – All-American boy was haunted by memories of Gitmo, ‘Nam, Hiroshima INEVITABLY, ANOTHER SOLDIER SNAPS Distraught pacifist conscientious objector tormented by horrors of war, as far as you know Newsroom experts: stress, violence, stupidity, tragedy a way of life for GIs Former M*A*S*H stars say it’s finally time to disarm the military Hollywood insiders: Sean Penn early favorite for lead in planned Oliver Stone biopic

(more…)

[ed. note: republished and amended from a 2007 post]

Dear   BARACK OBAMA  :

Congratulations! On behalf of the selection committee, I am pleased to announce that you have been named a 2009 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, in recognition of your tireless efforts to   STRENGTHEN INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY AND COOPERATION    .

I am also pleased to tell you that as a winner, you have been pre-approved for membership in the Nobel Peace Player’s Club, offering exclusive money-saving benefits available only to laureates like you. Please take a few minutes to look over the enclosed enrollment materials. At only $299.95 per year, I’m sure you’ll agree that membership is a bargain at twice the price! Here are just some of the benefits you’ll receive:

• A handsome 14-karat gold membership crest badge to display proudly on the grille of your limousine or official state aircraft
• A framed, hand-calligraphed certificate (add $19.95 for gold leaf)
• Special discount shopping bargains for for you and your family
• Great travel packages to the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro
• Listing in “Who’s Who of Global Salvation” ($49.95 per copy)
• Great coupons for Olive Garden, P.F. Chang’s, Six Flags Theme Parks, and more!

Plus, you’ll receive the exclusive Nobel Peace Player’s Club GoldCard entitling you to discount air travel and 5-star hotel accommodations from Kyoto to Darfur. But don’t take our word for it! Listen to these testimonials from some of our current members: (more…)

Like you, when I read that a cabal of art-hating reactionary philistines had forced the resignation of Yosi Sergant from the National Endowment for the Arts, I was sickened. This was followed by shame, then fear. And then, finally, the realization that here was a golden opportunity for cheap blog traffic.

As a renowned collector of dumpster art and pork industry commemorative plates, I made a solemn vow to myself: this injustice will not stand. If these radicals are allowed to bring down the NEA’s Assistant Liaison for Art Community Outreach — for merely organizing an innocent devotional art program — who is next on their dangerous anti-culture agenda? The NEA Undersecretary for Public Engagement? Western Civilization itself?

No, my friends, the stakes are too high. We in the Arts community must confront these vulgarian bullies and let them know that ART WILL NOT BE SILENCED. To show my personal commitment to this important cause, last night I dug deep into my kid’s sock drawer and found $33.18, which I am now fully dedicating to an endowment to fund creative art aimed at promoting me and my agenda.  (more…)

It’s true — U.S. government demand for art and art-like products has never been higher! Uncle Sam and the good folks at the National Endowment for the Arts are on the lookout for go-getting, obedient artists like you for a fast-paced career in state propaganda. With the quick and easy Federal Art Instruction Institute course, now you too can get a first class ticket on the federal art gravy train!

Tell Me More!

From heath care to the economy to the environment, Washington has become infested with pesky state enemies who are clogging up the legislative pipeline and making life miserable for our cool, art-loving president. That’s why he has ordered the NEA to fund obsequious bohemians to help him exterminate the competition and drive traffic to his hip new website Servile.gov. The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you how to get off funemployment and on the payroll of this exciting $3.6 trillion growth industry!

How can the Federal Art Instruction Institute help me? (more…)

[ed - Rush transcript! Leaked NEA conference call from my mom, proving the Bush Administration did it too]

TRANSCRIPT OF
CONFERENCE CALL OF THE
NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS
21-Jan-2007

MR. SMIRNOV:  Hello everybodies! Who we gots on the phones here?

MR. KIETH:  Toby Keith. Built Ford Tough.

MR. SMIRNOV:  Hokay, buddy!

MRS. BURGE:  Beverly Burge, Ocelot, Iowa. I do scrapbooking.

OAK RIDGE BOYS:  Howdy! We’re the Oak Ridge Boys!

MR. SMIRNOV:  Alrights, Branson in da house!

MR. HANEY:  Lester Haney, Sepulpa, Oklahoma.

MR. SMIRNOV:  Hey everybodies, I don’ts know if you see Lester Haney’s work, but he does some of the most beautiful chainsaw stump sculptures Yakov ever sees. (more…)

Good morning! Did you have a restful sleep? Yes, I know it’s 3 AM, I just thought… well, the whole orderly staff thought a little early morning air would do you some good after all that commotion yesterday. I have to say you’re a pretty feisty old gal for 86!

How’s that?

You’re 78?

Still, you should really take better care of yourself. Just look at those bags under your eyes! You’re no spring chicken and all that protesting just causes stress. Here, why don’t we wheel you over to the balcony so you can get some of that fresh healthful air. (more…)

By Linda Douglass
Deputy Assistant Under-Minister of Truth
White House Health Care Task Force

Greetings citizen! By now you may have heard scattered rumors of state and party officials encountering reactionary resistors at local health care reform information programs. Do not be alarmed, for our 5-year plan for citizen health proceeds without delay. Remain stalwart! The truth can be told at last, that these so-called “protests” are merely the desperate rear flank mob actions of dead-end bandits and saboteurs in the pay of enemy insurance agents.

Pay them no heed, for these outside agitators in no way represent any threat to our great patriotic push forward for increased citizen heathfulness! These well-dressed prep school gangsters of reaction seek only to frighten and demoralize and intimidate you, with their confusing “facts” and hob-nailed Sperry Topsiders. Unfortunately they are joined in conspiracy by a well-financed network of unlicensed blogs and talk radio traitors, who exaggerate their numbers and percolate disinformation — even cleverly staged YouTube videos of an impostor President Obama saying “quotes”!

Remain strong, citizen, for the day of their comeuppance is near! Patriotic spontaneous volunteers from MoveOn.org, Organizing For America, HCAN, SEIU, AFSCME, ACORN, NPR, and MSNBC have all pledged independent grassroots efforts to spread the word about the health-hating tricksters and their transparent astroturf agitation campaign! (more…)

Ed. note: many thanks to Charles Glasser for alerting me to this incredible business opportunity]

————————–

THE UNITED STATES BUREAU OF JOLLITY AND HUMOR ADMINISTRATION
EVERETT DIRKSEN FEDERAL MERRIMENT CENTER
3000 JAMES EARL CARTER PARKWAY SOUTH
WASHINGTON, DC

FORM US/BJHA-1106(d) : AARA Budget Procurement Code LOL-431[ROFL]

APPLICATION FOR HUMOR CONSULTANT / CONTRACTOR

This space for official use

SYNOPSIS:

The purpose of this announcement is to seek qualified private contractors to provide amusement and humor-related services to career employees within a wide range of federal agencies, including but not limited to the Treasury Department, Department of Education, The US Census Bureau, and USDA Mohair Subsidization Board. Winning applicant(s) shall perform presentation program demonstrating mirth as defined herein and in BJHA document (k)670-110, “FY 2009 Federal Levity Handbook.” In particular, guidelines specify services rendered by applicants shall be funny “ha-ha,” not funny “peculiar.” 

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE: (more…)

An Iowahawk Techno-pinion
by David Burge

It hardly seems possible that 40 years have now passed since Neil Armstrong put that puffy moon boot in the dusty surface of the Sea of Tranquility and uttered those immortal words — “joke’s over Aldrin, unlock the friggin’ door.” I was only 8 at the time but I remember it as if it were yesterday. My parents let my brother and me stay up late into the night to witness that historic Moon walk on our new Quasar console TV, and we watched in bleary eyed wonder at the sight of those brave astronauts and our parents passed out on the floor after one too many “Apollo 11 cocktails.” It was also the summer we discovered where Dad hid the liquor cabinet key and his Playboys.

For weeks after, we reenacted that “one small step for man” from our backyard tree house, descending the steps in Super-Slo-Mo onto the lunar crabgrass. Then we bounded out in search of our dog Buster’s steaming “moon rocks” for “moon rock fights.” Eventually Dad would yell at us to get out the moon-mower, but it did little to dent our enthusiasm for space exploration. Maybe it was just the model airplane glue talking, but for that brief moment we actually believed we were Armstrong and Aldrin and Collins. But did I ever get to be Armstrong? No-o-o-o, Dave, you stupid baby, you have to be Collins. Shut up and orbit in the tree house while we drive around in the moon buggy. Sometimes if my brother had his stupid 5th grade friends over they would make me be Walter Cronkite or Jules Bergman and do the news report with Mom’s hairbrush. (more…)

LOS ANGELES – Millions of fans from around the globe gathered along Sunset Boulevard to pay final respects to California today, as a slow moving funeral procession transported the eccentric superstar state’s remains to its final resting place in a Winchell’s Donuts dumpster in Van Nuys. The self-proclaimed ‘King of Pop Culture’ died last week at 160, in what coroners ruled an accidental case of financial autoerotic asphyxiation. The death sent shock waves across the world and sparked an outpouring of grief by rabid fans.

“I don’t care what the tabloids and the Wall Street Journal say,” said a weeping Illinois. “I still love you, Cali!”

The 640-mile long funeral parade route was lined with flowers, candles, teddy bears, and IOUs from millions of mourners and debtors who made the somber journey to watch the passing of the state that had once ruled the box office and industrial charts. Among them were current chart-toppers who cited California as a key influence.

“If it wasn’t for California, I wouldn’t be where I am today,” said Arizona of Westside 3, the popular Sunbelt trio who recently benefited from the late state’s generous gift of fleeing taxpayers and businesses. As a tribute to their mentor, Arizona vowed the group would start spending money “like crack-addled hip hop stars.” (more…)

In October 1864, a 38-year old farmer from Story County, Iowa enlisted with Company I of the 8th Iowa Volunteer Infantry. With a wife and five young kids to feed, and with no certainty of return, it must have been a difficult choice. The unit he was joining had already sustained heavy casualties at Shiloh and Vicksburg, and many had died in Andersonville prison. But he also a patriot and a Christian abolitionist, and so felt it his obligation to join the cause of the Union. With the harvest over and his eldest boy old enough to take over the chores, he marched south, seeing action at Spanish Fort the following spring. In Fall, following Lee’s surrender, he returned home and kept on farming until he died in 1908.

That farmer was my great-great-Grandfather. The bible he carried off to war now resides at my parent’s house, and I have had occasion to carefully turn its pages, looking for clues to what drove him. Other than his name and a few notes on the inside cover, he left the answer to posterity. I imagine, though, the answer wouldn’t be much different than some of the other Iowa farmers I’ve known who’ve answered the call. Farmers like my great-great-uncle Billy Stebner, who as an old man used to thrill my brother and me with his tales of pursuing Pancho Villa into Mexico with General Black Jack Pershing. (more…)

[Crunchy metal music punctuated by power tool noises]

DAVE
Hi everybody, this is Dave Burge — and welcome to [growl voice] D.C. Garage! [/growl voice] Where we hijack classic American muscle and give it a monster makeover with our pro team of Washington gearheads and Beltway power tools! On tonight’s episode of of D.C. Garage: can the team remake this ugly ‘57 Chevy Bel Air into a lean, clean, federal green machine? Grab your torque wrenches and let’s start American choppin’! 

[Crunchy metal music punctuated by power tool noises]

GRUNTING DEATH METAL SINGER
D.C. Garage! D.C. Garage! ARRGHHHRRRRGGGHHBLECCCCHHH

DAVE (whispering)
Van Nuys, California. This is the home of our ‘mark,’ Scott Mumford. In the garage out back: Scott’s Matador Red 1957 Chevy Bel Air 2-door hardtop. Inherited from his grandfather, this tired old Tri-Five has been Scott’s baby for over 25 years. What he doesn’t know is that it’s about to get pimped [growl] D.C. Garage style! [/growl] Watch what happens next from our hidden camera.

SCOTT (sprinting out the back door)
Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing? (more…)

(Thundering tympanies, swirling spotlights)

Announcer

Live! From the fabulous Turtle Bay Ballroom at United Nations Headquarters, it’s the Rat Pack of Evil All-Star International Celebrity Roast of President Barack Obama!

(orchestra fanfare: ‘Make ‘Em Laugh’)

With Pyongyang funnyman Kim Jong-Il! Borscht Belt headliner Vlady Putin! Queen of Mean Liz Windsor! Saudi Sheik of Schtick King Abdullah! Beijing jokeslinger Hu Jintao! Wacky al Qaeda Caveman Ayman al-Zawahiri! Nick ‘the Knife’ Sarkozy! Sassy Wanda Sykes! South-of-the-border slapstick team Hugo Chavez and the Castro Brothers! Taliban Madman Mullah Omar! Jon Stewart! Lovable Libyan lush Muammar al-Ghadaffi! Grovelin’ Guvner Gordy Brown! Bashar “The Chin” al-Assad! The Hamas Fattah Dancers! And starring your Master of Ceremonies — that suntan man with a plan from Iran — that Persian with a nuclear perversion — Sheckyyyyyy Ahmedinejad!

(applause)

Shecky Ahmedinejad

Okay, okay, pipe down. Let’s get this thing over with, this straitjacket is a rental and my magic carpet is double-parked on East 43rd. Mohamed H. Prophet, will you get a load of the evil on the stage tonight? I haven’t seen this many bombs since Janeane Garofalo played the American Legion convention. (more…)