David Burge blogs at Iowahawk, considered by many to be one of the sites on the internet. His work has appeared in the Weekly Standard, Garage Magazine, Middle East Quarterly, SpeedTV.com, PajamasTV, British satire site Anorak, and Readings in American Government.
He is a veteran of several Hollywood bus tours and owns an exclusive map to the homes of the stars. He also has amassed over $200 in Blockbuster late fees. He lives in Chicago.
Iowahawk
Headline Roundup: Troubled American Psychiatrist Allegedly Turns Gun on Warmongers at Ft. Hood
by Iowahawk |
|
INEVITABLY, ANOTHER SOLDIER SNAPS
|
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
| 
Membership Has Its Privileges
by Iowahawk[ed. note: republished and amended from a 2007 post]
Dear BARACK OBAMA :
Congratulations! On behalf of the selection committee, I am pleased to announce that you have been named a 2009 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, in recognition of your tireless efforts to STRENGTHEN INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY AND COOPERATION .
I am also pleased to tell you that as a winner, you have been pre-approved for membership in the Nobel Peace Player’s Club, offering exclusive money-saving benefits available only to laureates like you. Please take a few minutes to look over the enclosed enrollment materials. At only $299.95 per year, I’m sure you’ll agree that membership is a bargain at twice the price! Here are just some of the benefits you’ll receive:
- A handsome 14-karat gold membership crest badge to display proudly on the grille of your limousine or official state aircraft
- A framed, hand-calligraphed certificate (add $19.95 for gold leaf)
- Special discount shopping bargains for for you and your family
- Great travel packages to the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro
- Listing in “Who’s Who of Global Salvation” ($49.95 per copy)
- Great coupons for Olive Garden, P.F. Chang’s, Six Flags Theme Parks, and more!
Plus, you’ll receive the exclusive Nobel Peace Player’s Club GoldCard entitling you to discount air travel and 5-star hotel accommodations from Kyoto to Darfur. But don’t take our word for it! Listen to these testimonials from some of our current members: (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Art Will Not Be Silenced! — Win a $33.18 Grant From the Iowahawk Endowment for the Arts
by IowahawkLike you, when I read that a cabal of art-hating reactionary philistines had forced the resignation of Yosi Sergant from the National Endowment for the Arts, I was sickened. This was followed by shame, then fear. And then, finally, the realization that here was a golden opportunity for cheap blog traffic.
As a renowned collector of dumpster art and pork industry commemorative plates, I made a solemn vow to myself: this injustice will not stand. If these radicals are allowed to bring down the NEA’s Assistant Liaison for Art Community Outreach — for merely organizing an innocent devotional art program — who is next on their dangerous anti-culture agenda? The NEA Undersecretary for Public Engagement? Western Civilization itself?
No, my friends, the stakes are too high. We in the Arts community must confront these vulgarian bullies and let them know that ART WILL NOT BE SILENCED. To show my personal commitment to this important cause, last night I dug deep into my kid’s sock drawer and found $33.18, which I am now fully dedicating to an endowment to fund creative art aimed at promoting me and my agenda. (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Earn Big $$$ the NEA Way!
by Iowahawk
It’s true — U.S. government demand for art and art-like products has never been higher! Uncle Sam and the good folks at the National Endowment for the Arts are on the lookout for go-getting, obedient artists like you for a fast-paced career in state propaganda. With the quick and easy Federal Art Instruction Institute course, now you too can get a first class ticket on the federal art gravy train!
Tell Me More!
From heath care to the economy to the environment, Washington has become infested with pesky state enemies who are clogging up the legislative pipeline and making life miserable for our cool, art-loving president. That’s why he has ordered the NEA to fund obsequious bohemians to help him exterminate the competition and drive traffic to his hip new website Servile.gov. The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you how to get off funemployment and on the payroll of this exciting $3.6 trillion growth industry!
How can the Federal Art Instruction Institute help me? (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
FOUND: Bush White House NEA Conference Call Transcript
by Iowahawk[ed - Rush transcript! Leaked NEA conference call from my mom, proving the Bush Administration did it too]
TRANSCRIPT OF
CONFERENCE CALL OF THE
NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS
21-Jan-2007
MR. SMIRNOV: Hello everybodies! Who we gots on the phones here?
MR. KIETH: Toby Keith. Built Ford Tough.
MR. SMIRNOV: Hokay, buddy!
MRS. BURGE: Beverly Burge, Ocelot, Iowa. I do scrapbooking.
OAK RIDGE BOYS: Howdy! We’re the Oak Ridge Boys!
MR. SMIRNOV: Alrights, Branson in da house!
MR. HANEY: Lester Haney, Sepulpa, Oklahoma.
MR. SMIRNOV: Hey everybodies, I don’ts know if you see Lester Haney’s work, but he does some of the most beautiful chainsaw stump sculptures Yakov ever sees. (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Wake Up, Mrs. Petrowski
by Iowahawk
Good morning! Did you have a restful sleep? Yes, I know it’s 3 AM, I just thought… well, the whole orderly staff thought a little early morning air would do you some good after all that commotion yesterday. I have to say you’re a pretty feisty old gal for 86!
How’s that?
You’re 78?
Still, you should really take better care of yourself. Just look at those bags under your eyes! You’re no spring chicken and all that protesting just causes stress. Here, why don’t we wheel you over to the balcony so you can get some of that fresh healthful air. (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Know Your Town Hall Mob Agitators!
by IowahawkBy Linda Douglass
Deputy Assistant Under-Minister of Truth
White House Health Care Task Force
Greetings citizen! By now you may have heard scattered rumors of state and party officials encountering reactionary resistors at local health care reform information programs. Do not be alarmed, for our 5-year plan for citizen health proceeds without delay. Remain stalwart! The truth can be told at last, that these so-called “protests” are merely the desperate rear flank mob actions of dead-end bandits and saboteurs in the pay of enemy insurance agents.
Pay them no heed, for these outside agitators in no way represent any threat to our great patriotic push forward for increased citizen heathfulness! These well-dressed prep school gangsters of reaction seek only to frighten and demoralize and intimidate you, with their confusing “facts” and hob-nailed Sperry Topsiders. Unfortunately they are joined in conspiracy by a well-financed network of unlicensed blogs and talk radio traitors, who exaggerate their numbers and percolate disinformation — even cleverly staged YouTube videos of an impostor President Obama saying “quotes”!
Remain strong, citizen, for the day of their comeuppance is near! Patriotic spontaneous volunteers from MoveOn.org, Organizing For America, HCAN, SEIU, AFSCME, ACORN, NPR, and MSNBC have all pledged independent grassroots efforts to spread the word about the health-hating tricksters and their transparent astroturf agitation campaign! (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Filed In Triplicate
by IowahawkEd. note: many thanks to Charles Glasser for alerting me to this incredible business opportunity]
————————–
THE UNITED STATES BUREAU OF JOLLITY AND HUMOR ADMINISTRATION
EVERETT DIRKSEN FEDERAL MERRIMENT CENTER
3000 JAMES EARL CARTER PARKWAY SOUTH
WASHINGTON, DC
FORM US/BJHA-1106(d) : AARA Budget Procurement Code LOL-431[ROFL]
APPLICATION FOR HUMOR CONSULTANT / CONTRACTOR
This space for official use
SYNOPSIS:
The purpose of this announcement is to seek qualified private contractors to provide amusement and humor-related services to career employees within a wide range of federal agencies, including but not limited to the Treasury Department, Department of Education, The US Census Bureau, and USDA Mohair Subsidization Board. Winning applicant(s) shall perform presentation program demonstrating mirth as defined herein and in BJHA document (k)670-110, “FY 2009 Federal Levity Handbook.” In particular, guidelines specify services rendered by applicants shall be funny “ha-ha,” not funny “peculiar.”
STATEMENT OF PURPOSE: (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
One Giant Leap: Come on America, Let’s Put a Congress on the Moon
by IowahawkAn Iowahawk Techno-pinion
by David Burge
It hardly seems possible that 40 years have now passed since Neil Armstrong put that puffy moon boot in the dusty surface of the Sea of Tranquility and uttered those immortal words — “joke’s over Aldrin, unlock the friggin’ door.” I was only 8 at the time but I remember it as if it were yesterday. My parents let my brother and me stay up late into the night to witness that historic Moon walk on our new Quasar console TV, and we watched in bleary eyed wonder at the sight of those brave astronauts and our parents passed out on the floor after one too many “Apollo 11 cocktails.” It was also the summer we discovered where Dad hid the liquor cabinet key and his Playboys.
For weeks after, we reenacted that “one small step for man” from our backyard tree house, descending the steps in Super-Slo-Mo onto the lunar crabgrass. Then we bounded out in search of our dog Buster’s steaming “moon rocks” for “moon rock fights.” Eventually Dad would yell at us to get out the moon-mower, but it did little to dent our enthusiasm for space exploration. Maybe it was just the model airplane glue talking, but for that brief moment we actually believed we were Armstrong and Aldrin and Collins. But did I ever get to be Armstrong? No-o-o-o, Dave, you stupid baby, you have to be Collins. Shut up and orbit in the tree house while we drive around in the moon buggy. Sometimes if my brother had his stupid 5th grade friends over they would make me be Walter Cronkite or Jules Bergman and do the news report with Mom’s hairbrush. (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Fans Flock to Mourn California, 1849-2009
by IowahawkLOS ANGELES – Millions of fans from around the globe gathered along Sunset Boulevard to pay final respects to California today, as a slow moving funeral procession transported the eccentric superstar state’s remains to its final resting place in a Winchell’s Donuts dumpster in Van Nuys. The self-proclaimed ‘King of Pop Culture’ died last week at 160, in what coroners ruled an accidental case of financial autoerotic asphyxiation. The death sent shock waves across the world and sparked an outpouring of grief by rabid fans.
“I don’t care what the tabloids and the Wall Street Journal say,” said a weeping Illinois. “I still love you, Cali!”
The 640-mile long funeral parade route was lined with flowers, candles, teddy bears, and IOUs from millions of mourners and debtors who made the somber journey to watch the passing of the state that had once ruled the box office and industrial charts. Among them were current chart-toppers who cited California as a key influence.
“If it wasn’t for California, I wouldn’t be where I am today,” said Arizona of Westside 3, the popular Sunbelt trio who recently benefited from the late state’s generous gift of fleeing taxpayers and businesses. As a tribute to their mentor, Arizona vowed the group would start spending money “like crack-addled hip hop stars.” (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Thank You to the Troops: Fightin’ Farmers
by IowahawkIn October 1864, a 38-year old farmer from Story County, Iowa enlisted with Company I of the 8th Iowa Volunteer Infantry. With a wife and five young kids to feed, and with no certainty of return, it must have been a difficult choice. The unit he was joining had already sustained heavy casualties at Shiloh and Vicksburg, and many had died in Andersonville prison. But he also a patriot and a Christian abolitionist, and so felt it his obligation to join the cause of the Union. With the harvest over and his eldest boy old enough to take over the chores, he marched south, seeing action at Spanish Fort the following spring. In Fall, following Lee’s surrender, he returned home and kept on farming until he died in 1908.
That farmer was my great-great-Grandfather. The bible he carried off to war now resides at my parent’s house, and I have had occasion to carefully turn its pages, looking for clues to what drove him. Other than his name and a few notes on the inside cover, he left the answer to posterity. I imagine, though, the answer wouldn’t be much different than some of the other Iowa farmers I’ve known who’ve answered the call. Farmers like my great-great-uncle Billy Stebner, who as an old man used to thrill my brother and me with his tales of pursuing Pancho Villa into Mexico with General Black Jack Pershing. (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
‘D.C. Garage’: Outtakes from My Failed Reality Show Pilot
by Iowahawk[Crunchy metal music punctuated by power tool noises]
DAVE
Hi everybody, this is Dave Burge — and welcome to [growl voice] D.C. Garage! [/growl voice] Where we hijack classic American muscle and give it a monster makeover with our pro team of Washington gearheads and Beltway power tools! On tonight’s episode of of D.C. Garage: can the team remake this ugly ‘57 Chevy Bel Air into a lean, clean, federal green machine? Grab your torque wrenches and let’s start American choppin’!
[Crunchy metal music punctuated by power tool noises]
GRUNTING DEATH METAL SINGER
D.C. Garage! D.C. Garage! ARRGHHHRRRRGGGHHBLECCCCHHH
DAVE (whispering)
Van Nuys, California. This is the home of our ‘mark,’ Scott Mumford. In the garage out back: Scott’s Matador Red 1957 Chevy Bel Air 2-door hardtop. Inherited from his grandfather, this tired old Tri-Five has been Scott’s baby for over 25 years. What he doesn’t know is that it’s about to get pimped [growl] D.C. Garage style! [/growl] Watch what happens next from our hidden camera.
SCOTT (sprinting out the back door)
Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing? (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
I Guess You Had To Be There: The Barack Obama Celebrity Roast
by Iowahawk(Thundering tympanies, swirling spotlights)
Announcer
Live! From the fabulous Turtle Bay Ballroom at United Nations Headquarters, it’s the Rat Pack of Evil All-Star International Celebrity Roast of President Barack Obama!
(orchestra fanfare: ‘Make ‘Em Laugh’)
With Pyongyang funnyman Kim Jong-Il! Borscht Belt headliner Vlady Putin! Queen of Mean Liz Windsor! Saudi Sheik of Schtick King Abdullah! Beijing jokeslinger Hu Jintao! Wacky al Qaeda Caveman Ayman al-Zawahiri! Nick ‘the Knife’ Sarkozy! Sassy Wanda Sykes! South-of-the-border slapstick team Hugo Chavez and the Castro Brothers! Taliban Madman Mullah Omar! Jon Stewart! Lovable Libyan lush Muammar al-Ghadaffi! Grovelin’ Guvner Gordy Brown! Bashar “The Chin” al-Assad! The Hamas Fattah Dancers! And starring your Master of Ceremonies — that suntan man with a plan from Iran — that Persian with a nuclear perversion — Sheckyyyyyy Ahmedinejad!
(applause)
Shecky Ahmedinejad
Okay, okay, pipe down. Let’s get this thing over with, this straitjacket is a rental and my magic carpet is double-parked on East 43rd. Mohamed H. Prophet, will you get a load of the evil on the stage tonight? I haven’t seen this many bombs since Janeane Garofalo played the American Legion convention. (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Red Scare
by IowahawkFILM PROJECTOR
thlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthl
ROLL TITLES
“It Could Happen Here!”
A PRESENTATION OF THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
JANET NAPOLITANO, DIRECTOR
IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
AND THE HOUSE ANTI-TAX ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE
AN IOWAHAWK EDUCATIONAL FILMS PRODUCTION
SCROLL
march music (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Requiem For a Lightweight (With apologies to Rod Serling)
by IowahawkACT 1
SCENE 1
A stark dressing room in the underbelly of the White House, bathed in the dim yellow light of a 25-watt compact fluorescent bulb. The dingy walls are plastered with Shepard Fairey “HOPE” posters. Off stage is heard the cringing, muffled gasps of a stunned arena audience. Suddenly the door bursts open and enters BARACK “BAM BAM” OBAMA, former champion, unconscious on a stretcher carried by his handlers — cut man TWINKLETOES EMANUEL, manager PAPPY AXELROD, SPITBUCKET BEGALA and SPINDOC GREENBURG. His nose is bleeding profusely, his eyes nearly swollen shut, and his forehead is embossed with a reverse “BRUNSWICK” from an errant bowling ball. They are trailed into the room by a pack of concerned sportswriters as they place the stretcher on a stark table.
TWINKLETOES EMANUEL: Alright, alright! Give ‘em some air, you mugs!
PAPPY AXELROD: Can you hear me, Champ?
BAM BAM: We would save enough money… uhh… we would… money save… the ones we are looking for…
PAPPY AXELROD (gently slapping Bam Bam’s face): Champ, Champ! Look at me! How many teleprompters am I holding up? (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Hey Barack
by IowahawkSpecial Guest Video Commentary
By XD-235
Staff Teleprompter for the Obama Presidential Campaign
–
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
TV Classics: “Chutch”
by IowahawkStill reeling from Vietnam, and with Watergate and OPEC looming on the horizon, 1972 was a turbulent time for America. Nowhere was the zeitgeist more reflected than on ABC Thursday nights, with the debut of “Chutch.” Starring Jan-Peter Bronston in the title role, the fast-paced action series centered on the adventures of a mystic, Indian-like professor at fictional Boulder University. Based on the rugged hippie anti-hero Bronston portrayed in a skein of popular low budget drive-in biker films (including 1968’s “Tenured Losers” and 1970’s “The Angry Ones”), Chutch battled against injustice and The Man with a lethal arsenal of martial arts, mystic dialog, dirt bikes and his faithful mountain lion, Zapata.
The show’s unique combination of serious social commentary, folk music and violent desert dirtbike action sparked a brief but intense popularity among young viewers, spawning the memorable catch phrase “you heap big dead, paleface” — uttered by Chutch whenever a villain questioned his Native American bona fides.
“Chutch” rose to #16 in the Nielsens in its debut year, a level of popularity it never repeated. Ratings continued to slip through 1974, hobbled by weak scripts and the increasingly bizarre behavior of Bronston, a gifted method actor whose obsession with his role as a mystical revolutionary pseudo-Indian led to an unfortunate and debilitating peyote habit. The series was finally replaced in 1975 by the gritty police drama “Torino Squad” starring Lash LaDouche. (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
I Daresay It Is Time We Deal With the Mutineers Aboard the S.S. Conservatism
by Iowahawk[ed. note: a number of you have written requesting I invite T. Coddington Van Voorhees VII back for another analysis of the sad state of the conservative movement. After some cajoling and a bottle of VSOP, he agreed.]
T. Coddington Van Voorhees VII
Editor, the National Topsider
Membership Chairman, The Newport Club
Much has been written about the fate of the conservative movement in the months since last I corresponded with you. I won’t belabor the barrels of ink expended in the printing of its obituary, nor will I bore you with further reading of its entrails. Suffice it to say the grand old ship is in the doldrums, adrift in the electoral currents, with nary a harbor on the horizon. But it is time we leave such map room mopery aside and navigate a bold new course for the conservative armada. One needn’t have a 400-year old heirloom scrimshaw sextant for this task; but, fortunately, I do. (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Fear and Loathing in the Mystery Machine
by IowahawkExcerpts from the never-aired 1973 Scooby Doo episode with guest star Hunter S. Thompson
We were ten minutes south of San Clemente when the putrid green daisy walls of the van started closing in. I recall the fat four-eyed lesbian sweater girl saying something like “are you okay, Mr. Duke? We’ve got a mystery to solve…” when suddenly the gullet of the garish chartreuse steel beast began to spasm like a digestive track readying itself to vomit. I began clawing at my hamstrings and when I turned my head I was looking into the iridescent eyes of a grotesque animal screeching “Ruh Roh! Ruh Roh!” in a hoarse irritating dog-accented gibberish. That’s when things began to turn weird.
I fought off the ether hallucinations and fly swarms and fumbled through my medical bag for my .45 and another shot of absinthe. I pushed off the safety and casually popped off three quick rounds, through the shag carpet stomach lining of the nauseous steel beast that was consuming all of us, and it began thrashing angrily. The lesbian was screaming, and the two Aryan Hitler Youth were screaming, and the grotesque talking dog jumped into the arms of the whimpering hippie boy. Holy sweet Jesus Christ, I thought, don’t these people realize we’re about be eaten alive by poorly-drawn Chevrolet? Nevermind that. They would see it all soon enough, after the nightshade cookies and Scooby snack kicked in. (more…)
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Never again
by IowahawkOh Lordy I should not have picked “courage” as my drinking word.
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
by Iowahawk
Wouldn’t it be more efficient to send these things out by UPS?
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
by Iowahawk
Nazi tearjerker + topless = Oscar gold!
Speaking of shampoo, somebody buy some for Zac Efron.
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
by Iowahawk
Touching. But how about another wistful tribute, to all the movie people who should be dead but aren’t?
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
by Iowahawk
Oh great. On-hold music for the Comcast service department.
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
The French don’t do car chases?
by IowahawkI beg to differ. (No CGI here, by the way)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfCVLm9wd0g
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
by Iowahawk
Theo Van Gogh was not available for comment.
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Bassmaster Classic on ESPN2
by IowahawkFinal day weigh-ins!
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
by Iowahawk
Now is the time we dance on Sprockets.
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
by Iowahawk
“Iron Chef”? Dude, the NHRA Arizona Nats are on the Deuce… Funny Car finals coming up.
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
|
Follow Us on Twitter
Subscribe via RSS
Tips & Feedback