And the Oscar for Best Non-Sexual Nudity goes to…
by Alexander MarlowThe film industry in Hollywood is the most rewarded vocational field in the world. Having been a part of the “Big Hollywood” launch team, I followed roughly forty-eight award shows this year. Generally, I would characterize them as slightly self-aggrandizing. By the way, I’m not confused; awards are nice (consult my bio), but why are there so many award shows? The people who win awards are rarely underappreciated. Take Kate Winslet for example, one of Hollywood’s most overrated actresses. I always feel I’m watching her act. Peter Mayhew was more organic as Chewbacca than Winslet as a suburban housewife in the off-putting “Revolutionary Road.” But Hollywood seemingly invents awards to celebrate Winslet and her ubiquitous bare breasts.
What irritates most is that while the shows may differ, the awards are roughly the same. In sports, there’s only one MVP, one Rookie of the Year. Yet every year, we are bombarded with the Oscars, the Golden Globes, the SAG Awards, and the BAFTAs. Not to mention all those snooty little film festivals in upscale ski towns.
But as I always say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So, if we’re going to resign ourselves to watching three months of awards galas, let’s introduce some new awards that could electrify a show more than a Melissa Etheridge/Beyoncé duet:
Best-in-Show: This would be awarded to the best animal appearance in a film this year. We see eight or ten lovable movie animals each year, and they don’t get the praise they deserve. Who wouldn’t want to see the dog from “Marley and Me” bound onto the stage to claim the Golden Dog Biscuit?
Best Non-Sexual Nudity Award: Nothing puzzles and inspires me like incidental nakedness on film. On second thought, it would come down to Harvey Keitel vs. Kate Winslet every year, so this one may not be as interesting as it sounds.
The Daniel Day-Lewis Award for Acting Performance: Thanks to Daniel Day-Lewis, I can no longer take seriously any award that claims to honor the “Best Actor.” There is one unequivocal “Best Actor” in Hollywood and it is he, so it is foolish to pretend Tom Hanks or Sean Penn or Ashton Kutcher or any other leading man can equate. There are years Daniel Day-Lewis acts and there are years he doesn’t–either way, he is the best actor. Let’s rename the annual award for excellent acting to reflect this reality. The only thing that changes from year to year is best performance, not “best actor.”
The Morgan Freeman Award For Best Performance as an Omniscient Narrator
Best Best-Friend Award: Every romantic comedy has a quirky best-friend role for the purpose of plot development—the “best-friend” grants the audience insight into Kate Hudson’s character. Picture this all-too-common date night debacle: I treat my girlfriend to an order of General Tsao’s Chicken at P.F. Chang’s (medium/spicy) and we head over to the multiplex in the mall with high hopes for the romantic comedy du jour we are about to watch from the front row of a theatre packed with eighth graders. And BAM! Much to our chagrin, the entire night is ruined by a poor performance by the quirky best-friend character. A competent performance here can slightly enhance my Friday night, so let’s celebrate the best.
Evil-est Corporation Award: Lazy Hollywood’s default bad guys are those big, bad multi-national corporations that make our food, our cars, our medicines, send us our paychecks, etc. Let’s reward the most heinous onscreen company of this year!
Most Disappointing Picture of the Year: This is an excuse for me to mention that “Quantum of Solace” was beyond terrible.
The Helena Bonham Carter Award: You can use the comments to debate what this one should actually celebrate, but I think we can all agree that there needs to be one every year.
What additional awards would you suggest?
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90 Comments
You are not allowed to post a picture of an ape in the age of Obama, you racist.
Oh, God, I had forgotten her turn as an ape in that terrible movie. See how the human mind tends to excise traumatic episodes from the consciousness? Now it's been brought back to my mind, and all I see are images of Marky Mark getting bizzaaaaay with a monkey. Damn you!
I was also bitterly disappointed in "Quantum of Solace." I was all set for another "Casino Royale" but noooooo….
I have to agree with the Daniel Day-Lewis comment. His performance in My Left Foot convinced me that he was the world's best actor and that was likely the finest acting performance that could ever be given. I remember thinking that Morgan Freeman was headed to a best actor Oscar win that year for Driving Miss Daisy, and then I saw My Left Foot and thought it would be criminal if Freeman won. His portrayal of a truly handicapped individual was so outstanding that I thought that Dustin Hoffman should return his Oscar for Rainman from the prior year.
The new category should be "Best Performance in a Leading Role by An Actor Who Isn't Daniel Day-Lewis"
Hey I don't see an award for Most Depraved Priest or Religous Person. We can start with Philip Seymour Hoffman winning the "The Grand Perv" award for Doubt.
I'm only putting up with your Quantum of Solace slam because it concentrates on Marc Forster's antics. Otherwise the story was fine. Even the worst James Bond movie is better than most crap. BTW, I read somewhere today that Danny Boyle wants to direct the next James Bond. That could be interesting.
How about Best Director to Butcher Slam-Dunk Material? Can someone please, in God's name, tell me how that jackass Uwe Boll keeps getting hired?
Best-Hot-Hollywood-Actress-Playing-An-Ugly-Chick.
Because it would be too hard to just find an actual ugly actress to play the ugly character.
The Helena Bonham Carter Award: Best Michael Jackson impersonation.
Does the Best in Show award include all of the two legged animals in Hollywood?
This would be another category for Sean Penn.
amen
Great choice!
Say now, Hisfissleness Snoop Doggy has come out Muslim with the Rev. Farakan. I believe that grants him the right to be-head you if he feels so compelled. If he approaches you, wave a blunt at him, wait till he smells it, throw it at him and RUN!
I think "sea kitten" was being tried out earlier. Like in, "he's a wicked good actor, and a hell of a sea kitten to boot!"
How about Best Botox-Smile moment?
Lemme see here: Penn; fill in the Wacko, let's say Di Caprio; anything Penn is in; next lead in the next bomb directed by Oliver Stone.
Agreed. An HBC award is mandatory. Even if I haven't liked the movies she was in (Wings of a Dove, anyone?) I still liked her. She's just that good.
You forgot to mention “best acceptance speech by any Australian pretending to be British with an ambiguous accent”.
That should go to anyone affiliated with the producers of films with pedigrees from down under.
Not only did you post a picture of an ape – you posted one of a Wookie as well. Tsk, tsk.
I just finished watching "There Will Be Blood" and it is the first time I have really watched Daniel Day Lewis in a film. I have caught snippets of him in "Gangs of New York". Even though "There Will Be Blood" is not a movie I have ever considered watching, Daniel Day Lewis blew me away. He is absolutely the best actor in Hollywood and I don't know what has taken me so long to discover him.
Best Anti-Military Award. Why is it that anyone in the military is always portrayed as a befuddled, hayseed idiot? Always the clueless evil-doer? Like in Ironman? Jarhead? Blech!
http://the100mostannoyingthings.blogspot.com/
Some government agencies give out awards to supervisors who write the best performance evaluations…seriously. I did a double-take when I first heard about it.
Perhaps the entertainment industry could follow suit. Something like "Award for Best Award?" Why not? I think they've exhausted every other possibility.
This is not exactly what you are looking for, but a question suddenly hit me: Is there an award for Best Award Show? If not, I can't believe they missed that one.
I though that was a picture of Michael Jackson for a second.
U2Dave, Your suggestions are the actual awards being given in the guise of Best Actor, Best Picture, etc.
How about an award for the actor who is squandering their talent the most — male and female categories.
Also, could Wookies compete for Best in Show?
Does it have to be an Actress, or can Nanci Pelosi win this year after year after year after year…….
How about Best Actor/Actress Performance in Giving an Incomprehensible Acceptance Speech? This would be a really competitive category.
The avalanche of awards for actors is starting to remind me of a "student of the week" award from grade school. I wonder if actors parents have bumper stickers on their cars in support of their award.
Amen to that.
Got to admit that Peter Mayhew did one heck of a job — never once doubted that Chewie was real! (Can't say the same for whoever is doing the puppet work on Leo Dicaprio.)
P.S. Glad you guys are doing the Big Hollywood thing — great job!
"Take Kate Winslet for example, one of Hollywoods most overrated actresses. I always feel Im watching her act."
Good comparison. Soon they'll be giving "attendance" awards in Hollywood… wait, they have those, lifetime achievement awards.
"Take Kate Winslet for example, one of Hollywoods most overrated actresses. I always feel I'm watching her act."
OMG, I do too. I thought it was just me though.
double amen
How about these?
Biggest Age Difference in a Male-Female Romantic Relationship
Best Head Roll and Neck-Cracking by a Villian
Best Designer Wardrobe Worn by a Supposedly Working-Class Character
The Matthew McConaghey Award for Best Performance as a Loveable Rogue Who Is Actually a Douchebag
That first one really bothers me! Nothing pulls me out of a movie quicker than seeing the fat, balding, 40-60 year old male lead married to the 25 year old hottie. Are there no female actresses in their 30s, 40s or 50s in Hollywood anymore?
And how often have the "mothers" been as young as the "daughters" in modern movies?
When Kathy Bates got out of the hot tub nude with Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt, I thought I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing Ms. Bates' rear end.
It had to do with the way German tax laws were written. Basically, his investors didn't care if his movies made money.
I read, however, that the tax laws were re-written and that put an end to Boll's "career".
There are any number of actors and actresses who would vie for this award. I would have mentioned some of them, but I thought it was too mean spirited for the main post. You can decide if such a rule applies in the comments, especially when it comes to history's Best-In-Show, Snoop Doggy Dogg.
I forgot how impressed I was by the makeup/ costume people preserving the "Helena Bonham-Carter-ness" of Helena Bonham-Carter underneath all the apey-ness. Stunning, truly stunning! Hey, Helena, I have a bunch of banannas over at my place, wanna swing?
I would like to see a couple of new awards:
The Best Male/Female Political Activist Award – This is who can be the most out spoken about any political or social event regardless of how obscure.
The Best Male/Female Friend of the Environment Award – This to show just how important it is to go green and how important it is for everyone else to get on board with it. Even though they probably have larger "carbon foot prints" than the average citizen.
The Best Anti-American Film – This would be awarded to which, and there are many to pick from, ever film can shine the US in the worst light possible. Even though as they decry our horrible system they make a lot of money from it.
The Che Award – This would be awarded to the film that can take any historical figure and completely misrepresent them to the public.
Lemme see here: Penn; fill in the wacko, let's say Di Caprio; anything Penn is in; next lead in the next bomb directed by Oliver Stone, or of course, Benicio the huggable snuggly Che' .
And to Jacko, the Diana Ross Award(without the Supremes) for his stunning, ney, perfect Diana Ross cheek bones and voice.
I just finished watching "There Will Be Blood" and it is the first time I have really watched Daniel Day Lewis in a film. (I caught snippets of him in "Gangs of New York", but Leo and Cameron bored me…) Even though "There Will Be Blood" is not a movie I have ever considered watching, Daniel Day Lewis blew me away. He is absolutely the best actor in Hollywood and I don't know what has taken me so long to discover him.
No doubt you'll be hearing from Charlie Rangel and Al Sharpton on this…
Best English actor in a bad guy role (No yanks allowed, this is our chaps best source of income).
Best actor in an Ethnic minority/gay and/or lesbian/disabled/communist feedom fighter/nobody will watch this load of of arty rubbish but the academy will love it role (Sorry that is the best actor /actress Oscar requirement isn't it?)
Most un-intentionally humorous accent.
Best film that people will actually pay out their hard earned cash to see.
Best trailer that really gets you excited but when you see the film you realise that was the best bits, and the rest is a load of old horse manure
Best sound (An action film that does not cause burst eardrums).
Most incomprehensible storyline
Best Sean Penn JUST SHUTS UP film (Ahh… if only)
Best Character Asassination of anyone to the right of Saul Ailinsky
Best non-sexual nudity……Seth Rogen for Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Not only was it uncomfortable, it was FUNNY uncomfortable. I'd pay anything to see his acceptance speech.
How about the Javier Bardem award for most distracting hairdo? Jim Carrey being a multiple winner for Ace Ventura and Dumb and Dumber.
Also, the Bestest Leftist for "heroic" portrayal of communist icons. Yay Benicio Del Toro!
The NY subway token award for best performance by a minority or fabulously gay man that makes his producer feel good about himself without actually lending any credibility to the character.
Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt in As Good as it Gets turned my stomach.
PS: I'm glad that "douchebag" is catching on again. It's one of my all time favorite epithets. Just plain ol' "douche" works as well.
I suggest the "Best in Undeserved Hype" award.
Excellent question, Andrew; I am glad you asked it. In fact, Wookies can qualify for “Best-In-Show,” and I believe Peter Mayhew, the actor who played Chewie, would be a front-runner for the “Best-in-Show Lifetime Achievement Award.”
This is the type of insightful question that makes me proud to be an editor of Big Hollywood.
The Morgan Freeman Award For Best Performance as an Omniscient Narrator
Would we ever give this to anyone EXCEPT Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones?
I suggest the Best Use of An Environmental Statement Wrapped in an Action Film. I swear some movies depart from reality even further to show the need to go "green". We could start by editing the old T2 film, and allow Arnold a cheesy line – "You've been…Recycled!"
Uwe Boll saw "The Producers" and took it a might bit too seriously.
An award for most annoying accent? Jar Jar Binks deserves something….
Remember Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? "Bill, do you remember when we were freshmen and your mom was a senior?"
A good list, but this one was best: Best Designer Wardrobe Worn by a Supposedly Working-Class Character .
Last year's winner would be Sarah Jessica Parker in "Sex and the City." Her career was writing a weekly sex column but she dressed like she was the star of a hit HBO show who is married to the guy who played Ferris Bueller.
ubiquitous? how about…er…fantastic! Oh, I agree about Daniel Day Lewis. Except for My Left Foot and Last of the Mohicans this guy is a talented but over rated snore. In There Wiil be Blood did anybody else think he looked like Tom Selleck in his Magnum days?
We need an award for those writers who give "treatments" to to existing stories. How about the "Will Smith Award for Best Reuse of a Classic Science Fiction Title While Ignoring the Original Story"? We can acknowledge Mr. Smith even in non-Smith movies like _The Day the Earth Stood Still_. And if we expand beyond the Oscars, Sci-Fi Channel's butchery of _The Cold Equations_ a few years ago could win the appropriate Emmy.
How about Paul Bettany's Chaucer always gambling away his clothes in "A Knight's Tale?"
You mean, that's not Helena Bonham Carter? I thought it was an illustration for the Helena Bonham Carter Award…
Featherless Biped Award?
Leonardo DiCaprio is a good actor with various degrees of believability. But the Pinocchio Award goes to … Hayden Christensen.
Inspired by Nathan's "most annoying accent" award: Best Use Of An American Accent By A Non-American Performer.
Best Canadian support actor in a film with the best best camouflage job that turns Vancouver or Toronto int L.A. or NYC. The Canada Arts Council would wet themselves!
Not much good has ever come from MTV – but the MTV Movie Awards did give a lifetime achievement award to Chewbacca (Godzilla, Jason Voohees and Clint Walker were also acknowledged.) Then they started giving the award to lame-o's like Spike Lee and Tom Cruise who get plenty of other awards and the whole thing lost its point.
Ahh, PETA! Ya got to love them.
Maybe so! However they will not be a competative award. They will get them just for showing up.
How about- "Best Evil Christian Award."
There always seems to be plenty on screen to choose from.
Or how about- "Best Gun Wielding, Shoot-'Em-Up Character Portrayed by a Rabid Anti-NRA, Gun-Ban Supporting Uber-Liberal Actor."
Seems to be a lot there as well.
Best Non Sexual Nudity – Is this the Full Monty of awards?
You didn't like the emotionalless 10 minute clichefest that Christensen and Lucas gave us as the climax to the Revenge of the Jedi?! If Christensen had been any more wooden, I would have thought he didn't speak English and that they were feeding him the lines phonetically after telling him his character was expounding upon the virtues of ink pens.
Two words: Brittany Murphy (esp. the too-thin version)
I think you meant Clint Howard, and it was an honor LONG overdue!
How about the "We-Know-He-Will-Give-A-Controversial-Acceptance-Speech-So-Let's-Vote-For-Him-To-Win" Award.
Couldn't agree more about Daniel Day-Lewis. He's in a class by himself.
There's a couple of awards that bear inclusion:
- Best Film Featuring Popular Male Actor over 60 Constantly Having Sex with an Actress under 25
- Best Politically Correct Yet Popularily Unpopular Movie Featuring Gay Subject Material
How about the very un-PC "Best Portrayal of a Retard award! And the nominees are, Sean Penn, Leonardo DiCaprio, Cuba Gooding Junior, Juliet Lewis and Liv Tyler (oops, those last two just look retarded). I'm sure there are others, but this is a start.
How about recognizing Movie Critics – "Most Enthusiastic Review for a Film Based on Political Content Rather Than Actual Merit". (Could be called the "Roger Ebert/Redacted Award".)
Peter Coyote
There should be an award for most pretentious, overrated, self-serving movie. Oh, wait a minute. They already have that at the Oscars. It's called Best Picture.
best 3 Strikes Actor Award to those that have appeared in 3 turkeys in a row. The award would be a part time job in a fast food joint in the valley.
Award to Offspring/Siblings of Actors Who Only Got the Gig because of DNA Award …Baldwin family, Arquette family, Hanks family come to mind………..
Doesn't Nicolas Cage have a lock on that one?
that or his hairdo…..
madonna would be in the running.
Will Smith's kids would qualify for this one. I love it when the celebrity says their kid auditioned for their role.
Celebutard of the month award….
As a conservative I demand that Chewbacca put some pants on!
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